The Problem of Denying Yourself Life Margin.
I remember a time in my life when I pushed everything to the limits. My calendar, my appointments, my finances, my priorities, my commitments, my interests, my health, my time, my energy. Not being someone who really liked to do much half-way, I stretched myself too thin. Being all-in on life seemed the right thing, but over time, I realized it zapped me of the things I wanted most. I needed to create life margin.
The treadmill I was on drained my peace, my energy, my focus, my effectiveness with people and efficiency with things. By pruning things back and making thoughtful choices (some of them difficult), I realized I was creating more life margin and living more abundantly.
What is life margin? As described by Richard Swenson, M.D., (Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives) it is:
- The space between our loads and our limits
- The amount beyond which is needed
- Something held in reserve for contingency or unanticipated situations
- A gap between rest and exhaustion
I like to think of it as breathing room. The space that gives us peace and allows us to resist and bounce back from the perturbations of life.
Publishers use margin around a page to provide visual space. It is not enjoyable to read books and documents without white space. The open void between paragraphs is important to provide relief from the intensity of sentence after sentence. In business, profit margin is crucial. It is the difference between demise and prosperity. So it is with life.
We live in a culture where more is better, but our nature tells us otherwise – remember the last time you felt overloaded? You scheduled back-to-back meetings. You overdrew your checking account. You left late for the doctor’s appointment. You drank too much, then had to drive. Burning the candle at both ends? Eventually, the candle burns out. This type of stress is called distress. We often drift into this mode of a distressful life, because we live in agreement with the expectations of the world around us. We think this is what energizes us, but it eventually catches up to us. Always.
My Solution.
I’ve learned there are two choices we can make to overcome this tendency. Make intentional choices and include downtime.
Make intentional choices. Making intentional choices requires that we must first be aware of what areas of our lives lack margin, and be willing to commit to the actions necessary. Is your choice in the moment for present you, or future you? Are you doing what you want now, or what you want most? In my life it meant pruning back my commitments and trying to do less. I was a volunteer fire fighter for many years, but it was a huge personal commitment for me in both time and energy. While this part of my life was good and satisfying and important to me, I knew it was denying me the ability to pursue long held aspirations in other aspects of my life. A move to a new home eventually forced the issue, but I learned that sometimes we have to prune away even good things for the benefit of pursuing the better. It has freed me to enjoy things on my terms, and not the expectations of others — like much more family time, learning guitar, and the study of philosophy.
There was also a time when we lived pay-to-paycheck. Our needs were fulfilled, but our desires were not. While salary increases were undoubtedly helpful, what really made the difference was the choice to live within our means. We intentionally chose to spend within the limits of our budget, ensuring that there was margin between our lifestyle and our income. The peace that came with that decision, was worth more than anything we could have purchased. The sense of not being in control of our finances caused more distress than the disappointment of not satisfying our desires. Jim Rohn had a saying: “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” I realize now that those intentional choices weren’t so painful as they seemed after all. And, I was investing in my peace-of-mind and future financial security.
Include downtime. This is one of the most underrated practices of all. Downtime provides opportunity for reflection, self-examination, and growth. Stillness is the key (stolen from the title of author Ryan Holiday’s book). By taking time to separate ourselves from the noisy world, we gain clarity and focus on the longer view of life. It allows us to empty our mind of the unimportant on the surface and consider the deeper significant things that lie below. There we find healing, meaning, and a way forward. Carving out the time for thinking requires an intentional choice, but it is healthy for our mind, body and spirit.
For me, this is general reading, prayer, devotions, and introspection. My quiet time provides physical relaxation, mental stimulation and spiritual contentment. Sometimes it is sitting on the deck with a cigar and a notepad, or listening to a podcast while on a powerwalk. I may map out my thoughts and ideas on paper, or just practice clearing my mind. This time alone gives me the life margin I need to solve problems, manage my emotions, map my future, consider my actions and behavior, and evaluate my habits. It facilitates my growth. This downtime gives me the bandwidth to master myself, providing much needed steadiness and clarity. How wonderful it is to have set aside (holy) time to ask myself if I am on the right path to my definition of success: living with integrity, making progress toward my goals and living in peace.
Maybe for you it is a walk in the woods, sitting next to a fire, an early morning bike ride, or meditating. The important thing is to clear your head of non-essentials. Rein in the tendency to want to always do. Give your mind space. Invest time in yourself and find satisfaction in the moment.
Summary.
Do you have areas that could use more life margin? Today’s world continues to ask more from us. We respond by giving more and more to the world, but are we giving time to ourselves? Giving yourself the gift of margin frees you to be more present with others and yourself. It requires an intentional effort, but it can unlock the peace our nature desires. You can provide more distance between yourself and the self-inflicted turmoil of over commitment and pushing life to the edge. Our lives are novels that require white space to be enjoyable. It is within our grasp to quiet the noise of life that (we don’t even realize) robs us of our ability to enjoy it. As Ryan Holiday explains, “The world is like muddy water. To see through it, we have to let things settle.”