Ten Keys to Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage (Part One)
(Note: Due to its length, I am releasing this article in two posts. What follows is the first half.)
After having been married to my bride for over 30 years, I can honestly say the day I said “I do” was the most pivotal day in my life. Like many of you, it was the best decision and commitment I ever made in my life. I am a better man, have led a more enriched life, and have done more to do good in the world than I ever could have done on my own. I never realized as a young man how wonderful it can be to fully share your life with another.
My love story with Cheri is beautiful. Over time we have learned some important principles that we believe to be necessary to our happiness and success. When we follow these rules, we are one — we have the most secure, trusting and fulfilling relationship possible. Of course not every moment of every day is this way.
There have been valley periods and the everyday trials of life have sometimes gotten in the way. The disruptive feelings of discord, anger, and resentment that can occur between us are always painful. This seems to happen when we get off course and are not intentional about practicing our rules. As C.S. Lewis said, this “Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” When Cheri and I go through the infrequent times like these, it’s like God calling out for us to get back to the principles we know that work.
I thought you might like to know some of those principles I have come to understand as essentials of our marriage.
Unlocking a Fantastic marriage
1. Practice intentionality. You reap what you sow — what you put into your marriage, is returned to you, in even greater reward. As the farmer must follow the law of the harvest, you must plant goodness in your marriage. Be wary when you find your marriage on “cruise control.” If you are not intentionally putting into it daily, you will not reap its rewards. Purposefully striving for a fantastic marriage demands the right choices at moments of decision.
2. Some days, weeks or seasons require perseverance. Perseverance is patience on steroids. Storms don’t last. During those tough times, know they are temporary. Patience is a virtue worthy of having a large supply. Persevere and extend grace when your spouse is having an off day. Trust that it won’t last indefinitely.
3. Communication is to a relationship, like water, sunshine and good soil are to a plant. It’s life giving and nourishing. Your listening is more important that your speaking. Listen to understand without judgment. Reply without diminishment, shame, or leaving the other feeling small. Build trust with your words. Be mindful that words can be very powerful. What may be a small wave to you, may be a tsunami to your spouse. Sharing with honesty– the wonderful AND the unpleasant—builds intimacy and trust.
4. Small acts of kindness do matter. Look for opportunities and gestures to show your love. Open the car door. Leave that unexpected note on the fridge. Send a goofy text. Leave a piece of chocolate on the pillow. Don’t underestimate the old tried and true gestures of flowers, candy, cards and poems. Do those things that may be especially unusual for you. Prepare a meal with candles, do the laundry, wash your spouse’s car, or offer a surprise gift card. Remember and celebrate special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. Show they are meaningful by taking time to make them special. Affirm your spouse’s wonderful qualities. Don’t underestimate how something so small can pack a meaningful punch. It can express your passion and romance (see #8.)
5. Your spouse isn’t responsible for your happiness. Only you, can make you happy. Placing the burden on your partner for your happiness is an unfair demand. One person’s happiness is totally out of the control of another. Rather, see it as your responsibility to cultivate it from within — then share it.
Check back for my next post, when I will share with you the last 5 keys… and remember,
Be Your Best!
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