Category Archives: Principles

Self Awareness of Our Perspective

Different Views

The Blue Marble is a photograph taken by Apollo 17 on its way to the Moon in 1972. While not the first image of the Earth from space, it is widely accepted as the first image that changed mankind’s perspective about its relationship to the Earth and universe. As it sits alone in the vast expanse of darkness, it shifts our attention from our immediate surroundings, to understanding a much wider interpretation of the world. In an instant, it makes personal how we share this beautiful, puny, vulnerable, isolated, and finite planet. Awareness of this perspective, was emblematic to helping usher in an environmental movement.

So, how is it that some can see chaotic protests in the streets as righteous demonstrations for dignity and equality, while others see them as a lawless defiance of authority, reason, and respect for property? Why do some see guns as weapons of death and destruction, and others see them as a birthright and a tool for the enjoyment and protection of life? How is it that two people can go through the same event and come out with two different experiences? Why does one person see the cup as half empty, and another as half full? It has to do with our perspective.

Perspective is the way we view the world and our relationship to it. Therefore, we do not see the world as it really is, we see the world as we are. This makes our view of the world unique through the lens of the many attributes of our own lives. All the things of our life experience — our upbringing, families, education, faith, relationships, ego, culture, position, health, wealth, travels, geography, and more – create the totality of our viewpoint. This viewpoint is just that — a single point from which we take a view.

I once had a boss who told me that “we stand where we sit.” Meaning our viewpoints reflect our station and conditions. Even our mood contributes to our perspective. And this is the filtered lens from which we interact and live our lives. This lens creates the perspective from which we operate.

Awareness of our perspectives is difficult because they run in the background, largely subconsciously. The perspective our paradigms create is hindered by our many biases and assumptions. Consequently, we see a world according to our own preferences.

One Story

The late Steven Covey tells his story of himself on a subway when he experienced a shift of paradigm:

I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly — some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.
The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.
It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?
The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”
Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.

Another Story

Covey’s story above illustrates the power found in assumptions and biases. In another example, the perils of stubbornness and an openness to other possibilities is wonderfully illustrated:

A battleship had been at sea on its routine maneuvers under heavy weather for days. The captain, who was worried about the deteriorating weather conditions, stayed on the bridge to keep an eye on all activities.

One night, the lookout on the bridge suddenly shouted, “Captain! A light, bearing on the starboard bow.”

“Is it stationary or moving astern?” the captain asked.

The lookout replied that it was stationary. This meant the battleship was on a dangerous collision course with the other ship. The captain immediately ordered his signalman to signal to the ship: “We are on a collision course. I advise you to change course 20 degrees east.”

Back came a response from the other ship: “You change course 20 degrees west.”

Agitated by the arrogance of the response, the captain asked his signalman to shoot out another message: “I am a captain, you change course 20 degrees east.”

Back came the second response: “I am a second class seaman, you had still better change course 20 degrees west.”

The captain was furious this time! He shouted to the signalman to send back a final message: “I am a battleship. Change course 20 degrees east right now!

Back came the flashing response: “I am a lighthouse.”

The captain duly changed course.

The common thread in both stories, is that the person making judgment does not have all the information. The situations are viewed with fixed assumptions. Our perspective may be one that is flat-out false. And when we have more complete information, our perspective becomes more accurate — closer to the truth.

Final Thoughts

Self-awareness of our perspective is the key to be open to other points of view and appreciating that we may not have all the information. Self-awareness is a uniquely human endowment which allows us to examine our relationship with the world around us. Empathy can only result from self-awareness. Keeping our ego in check requires self-awareness. Refraining from kneejerk reactions requires self-awareness. Self-awareness is required to acknowledge we may not have all the facts of a situation. It helps us understand that there may be another perspective. Self awareness of perspective helps us to understand why some view:

…protests as defiance, and others as righteous.
…guns as a source of scourge and other as a tool of their birthright.
…the cup as half empty and others as half full.

I find it helpful to remember that the way a person views a situation is because it is true for them, based on their current perspective. One’s ability to consider a broader perspective about things is a wonderful thing and uniquely human attribute. It helps in seeing past those things that keep us thinking in a rigid way. It is like taking off blinders, providing more opportunity for truth. How can we do this? Through self-awareness of perspective…

Lean into Your Troubles

What person that ever lived was spared adversity? Whatever you call them – troubles, challenges, obstacles, pains, turmoil, suffering, problems, anguish, difficulties, impediments, trials, barriers, hurdles– they are integral parts of our lives. We cannot choose them; we can only deal with them. God never spares anyone. In fact, scripture says to expect them. Since obstacles are unavoidable in life, they have a purpose. They are necessary for growth. Lean into your troubles to understand them. By doing so, you can also minimize their burden.

But first know that you have a problem. Mark Twain is often quoted for saying, “I am an old man, and have known a great many troubles, most of which never happened.” One longstanding piece of wisdom I’ve shared with all my children is to not be premature in thinking we have or will have a problem. Do not worry about something until it is time to do so. Then take action.

In so many life instances, our perceived problems are not real, they are self-inflicted fears we have allowed to run away from our control. Fear, an impending thought that some evil is looming over us, can be a powerful burden. Fear is also always about the future, not the present. Therefore, mindfulness of the present is important. In my experience, most things we fear in the future never materialize, or they turn out not to be as bad as we think. Again, Mark Twain summarizes it nicely, “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” Do not lean into your troubles until it is necessary to do so.

“Do not worry about something until it is time to do so. Then take action.”

Know that you need not lean into your troubles as a helpless victim. You have endured every trial in your life so far. Often it is a matter of perspective. Multitudes of others have endured your same trial, so your anguish is not unique. Why might you see a situation as particularly painful, but others do not? This is not to minimize your burdens, but to put them into perspective. There is a way through every trial. As higher-level beings, we can reason and make sense of our problems. We are endowed with unique qualities and virtues to see our way through.

Maybe you have been through times when some of these virtues, disguised as strength were required:

self-restraint                    gratitude                             humility
patience                            acceptance                         obedience
humor                               cooperation                       prudence
trust                                   discernment                      tolerance
courage                             empathy                             endurance

By natural design, God does not allow us to face problems without the capabilities to work through them. But what about those times when we cannot summon these strengths, or our resources just do not seem enough?
It is true that life will present times that as Richard Rohr says, “we cannot fix, control, explain, change or even understand.” He says these situations are “necessary suffering” that are programmed into our life’s journey. It is at these times we are brought to our knees, and God “comes to you disguised as your life.” We should not deny our pain, but know something good will come of it, if we allow it. We grow in our valley experiences, not in our mountaintop ones. This is transformation. And if we do not transform our pains into something useful, we transmit it to others. This is what it means to lean into our troubles.

It can be encouraging to realize that our hardships are almost always limited in some way. There are limits to the size, the intensity and duration. They do not last forever, and if we can muster perseverance, even the most severe suffering can be endured. As our problems come and go through life, their fleeting nature provide the experiences we need to endure and provide wisdom for the next one. But what if we do have long term or permanent trials? We are provided the gift to adapt and recalibrate our experience. We can see our situation through a new lens, even accustom ourselves.

Seneca said that “No one could withstand adversity if its persistence we felt with all the same force as the first blow.” This mean means that when we are unprepared, when our problems spring up on us, our problems seem for more severe. The blow is softened the more we can expect and be prepared for them. If we must live with them, we get used to them. The more we live with them, we adjust to the presence in our lives. Things become more bearable when we are accustomed to them.

In summary, do not be burdened by the fear of potential problems that do not exist. When they arise, you are not a victim, you have God-given tools to make reason and deal with them as part of your nature. You will grow through adversity if you lean into your troubles. You have been successful in getting through every problem in your life so far, and there is not anyone ever who has not had your problem. Your problem is not unique. Your problems are limited in some way, be it size, intensity or duration. Anticipate, but do not dwell on possible problems. Your preparation will lessen their severity. Know that your troubles serve a purpose.

Life Margin. Why It’s Important and How to Create It.

The Problem of Denying Yourself Life Margin.

I remember a time in my life when I pushed everything to the limits. My calendar, my appointments, my finances, my priorities, my commitments, my interests, my health, my time, my energy. Not being someone who really liked to do much half-way, I stretched myself too thin. Being all-in on life seemed the right thing, but over time, I realized it zapped me of the things I wanted most. I needed to create life margin.

The treadmill I was on drained my peace, my energy, my focus, my effectiveness with people and efficiency with things. By pruning things back and making thoughtful choices (some of them difficult), I realized I was creating more life margin and living more abundantly.

What is life margin? As described by Richard Swenson, M.D., (Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives) it is:

The space between our loads and our limits
The amount beyond which is needed
Something held in reserve for contingency or unanticipated situations
A gap between rest and exhaustion

I like to think of it as breathing room. The space that gives us peace and allows us to resist and bounce back from the perturbations of life.

Publishers use margin around a page to provide visual space. It is not enjoyable to read books and documents without white space. The open void between paragraphs is important to provide relief from the intensity of sentence after sentence. In business, profit margin is crucial. It is the difference between demise and prosperity. So it is with life.

We live in a culture where more is better, but our nature tells us otherwise – remember the last time you felt overloaded? You scheduled back-to-back meetings. You overdrew your checking account. You left late for the doctor’s appointment. You drank too much, then had to drive. Burning the candle at both ends? Eventually, the candle burns out. This type of stress is called distress. We often drift into this mode of a distressful life, because we live in agreement with the expectations of the world around us. We think this is what energizes us, but it eventually catches up to us. Always.

My Solution.

I’ve learned there are two choices we can make to overcome this tendency. Make intentional choices and include downtime.

Make intentional choices. Making intentional choices requires that we must first be aware of what areas of our lives lack margin, and be willing to commit to the actions necessary. Is your choice in the moment for present you, or future you? Are you doing what you want now, or what you want most? In my life it meant pruning back my commitments and trying to do less. I was a volunteer fire fighter for many years, but it was a huge personal commitment for me in both time and energy. While this part of my life was good and satisfying and important to me, I knew it was denying me the ability to pursue long held aspirations in other aspects of my life. A move to a new home eventually forced the issue, but I learned that sometimes we have to prune away even good things for the benefit of pursuing the better. It has freed me to enjoy things on my terms, and not the expectations of others — like much more family time, learning guitar, and the study of philosophy.

There was also a time when we lived pay-to-paycheck. Our needs were fulfilled, but our desires were not. While salary increases were undoubtedly helpful, what really made the difference was the choice to live within our means. We intentionally chose to spend within the limits of our budget, ensuring that there was margin between our lifestyle and our income. The peace that came with that decision, was worth more than anything we could have purchased. The sense of not being in control of our finances caused more distress than the disappointment of not satisfying our desires. Jim Rohn had a saying: “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” I realize now that those intentional choices weren’t so painful as they seemed after all. And, I was investing in my peace-of-mind and future financial security.

Include downtime. This is one of the most underrated practices of all. Downtime provides opportunity for reflection, self-examination, and growth. Stillness is the key (stolen from the title of author Ryan Holiday’s book). By taking time to separate ourselves from the noisy world, we gain clarity and focus on the longer view of life. It allows us to empty our mind of the unimportant on the surface and consider the deeper significant things that lie below. There we find healing, meaning, and a way forward. Carving out the time for thinking requires an intentional choice, but it is healthy for our mind, body and spirit.

For me, this is general reading, prayer, devotions, and introspection. My quiet time provides physical relaxation, mental stimulation and spiritual contentment. Sometimes it is sitting on the deck with a cigar and a notepad, or listening to a podcast while on a powerwalk. I may map out my thoughts and ideas on paper, or just practice clearing my mind. This time alone gives me the life margin I need to solve problems, manage my emotions, map my future, consider my actions and behavior, and evaluate my habits. It facilitates my growth. This downtime gives me the bandwidth to master myself, providing much needed steadiness and clarity. How wonderful it is to have set aside (holy) time to ask myself if I am on the right path to my definition of success: living with integrity, making progress toward my goals and living in peace.

Maybe for you it is a walk in the woods, sitting next to a fire, an early morning bike ride, or meditating. The important thing is to clear your head of non-essentials. Rein in the tendency to want to always do. Give your mind space. Invest time in yourself and find satisfaction in the moment.

Summary.

Do you have areas that could use more life margin? Today’s world continues to ask more from us. We respond by giving more and more to the world, but are we giving time to ourselves? Giving yourself the gift of margin frees you to be more present with others and yourself. It requires an intentional effort, but it can unlock the peace our nature desires. You can provide more distance between yourself and the self-inflicted turmoil of over commitment and pushing life to the edge. Our lives are novels that require white space to be enjoyable. It is within our grasp to quiet the noise of life that (we don’t even realize) robs us of our ability to enjoy it. As Ryan Holiday explains, “The world is like muddy water. To see through it, we have to let things settle.”

Life Planning: How a Life Plan Can Help You Avoid the Drift

Life Planning:
How A Life Plan Can Help You Avoid the Drift

What does a life Plan do?
About a year ago, Daniel Harkavy and Michael Hyatt published a book titled Living Forward. I read it and recommend it highly. In Living Forward, they describe the importance of having a written life plan. At first glance, this idea may seem a bit over-the-top and lofty, but after going through the process of creating one last year, it has helped me in several ways.

Above all, it helps me to be intentional about how I live my life. I want to look back on my life 5, 10 or 20 years from now and see that I have lived a worthy life of significance. Simply, my life plan clarifies on paper what is most important to me, charts a course for action in getting to where I want to be in life, and serves as a regular reminder when I review it. It keeps me from drifting through each day, week and month without purpose. My life plan reminds me to live a life of intention, designing it for my purposes and desires. During my run-of-the-mill day, I can bounce my decisions, time and tasks against the intentions in my life plan. This provides clarity in purpose and has been a tie-breaker when assigning priorities. I hope that it keeps me from any regrets.

What is Drift?
I emphasize being proactive and acting on life, rather than the alternative which is to drift through life. Drift is an insidious, unintentional and silent villain which robs us of becoming all that we can. The drift never takes us to a place that we intend. It is a slow pull that we often don’t even realize. When lives crumble, they don’t happen in a day. They fall apart over time because of inattention to the important. That can be the effect of drift.

Think of it like a boat Captain adrift with no sail, map or rudder. She is not only unaware of her position, but also subject to the weather and the currents, with no way of making corrections. A life plan provides the figurative sail, map and rudder. While still subject to the weather, winds and currents, it allows the boat Captain to stay in control and make it to her intended destination.

Avoiding the drift is important because according to the authors, its consequences cause:

* Confusion — No clear direction or perspective. Our lives are not guided with purpose and meaning. We just go from one thing to the next, seemingly unconnected.

* Expense — Causes us to waste time, money, and health among others.

* Lost Opportunities — We lose the ability see opportunities and to go down paths that would enrich our lives. We don’t see them because we are distracted in the here and now.

* Pain — Lack of planning and action in the areas most important to us, can lead us to painful troubles. This can occur in our marriage, health, finances, profession, family and other areas of our lives.

* Regret — No one wants to look back and wish things had been different. “If only I……….(you fill in the blank.) It becomes even more frustrating when we realize it is a result of our lack of planning and attention to how we want to live our lives.

What’s in a Life Plan?
So what is in a life plan? Harkavy and Hyatt suggest specific contents be included. I’ve used their model and customized it to reflect what I think is important. Your Life Plan should inspire you and sit well with you. When you review your Life Plan, it should capture your dreams, goals, beliefs, and values. Here’s an outline of what I’ve included in mine:

A mission statement – a short statement about what I believe my life is about
My envisioned eulogy – admittedly macabre, but necessary to envision the end game and provide context
My most important areas of life – physical, spiritual, mental, financial, relational, professional, etc.
What constitutes for me a successful day, and life? How do I measure if I’m on track?
An action plan for each important area of my life – it includes a purpose, envisioned future, my WHY, the benefits, where I am now, specific commitments to get me there, and obstacles and pitfalls to be mindful

If you know what you want in life and have a plan to get there, then you are leaps and bounds closer to “succcess.” Harkavy and Hyatt remind us that most people spend more time and attention planning vacations, weddings and car purchases than they do their own lives. I found the introspective process of building a Life Plan is as valuable as the end product itself. It need not be a long document, and does not need to be perfect, because it will change. It is not hard to do, but requires that you set aside time to do it. It will never be complete, but will always be under revision and adjustment as life progresses.

“My definition of success has two parts. The first is when my intentions, words and actions align–integrity. The second is when they are progressively moving me toward my goals and how I want to live my life.”

My definition of success has two parts. The first is when my intentions, words and actions align–integrity. The second is when they are progressively moving me toward my goals and how I want to live my life. My life plan plan helps me to live my definition of a successful life. How do you define success? How do you know if you are on track? If you want to dive deeper into life planning and how to create one, check out https://livingforwardbook.com.

Be Your Best!

Life as a Story

life as a story

I don’t read obituaries often, but when I do, I find it interesting to see a person’s life as a story, reduced down into a few paragraphs. It got me thinking about my life as a story, a long novel or movie, of which I am the author. As each day goes by, another page is turned or another scene is shot. As each year or season of life passes, another chapter closes and another begins. As each decision is made, as each relationship goes, so does the story of my life. And I am its creator.

I want my story at the end of my life to be like a great movie you always remember. In these stories, there are always trials, missteps, tragedy and regret – these are the antagonists to be overcome. What are the antagonists in your life? Maybe it’s a volatile relationship in need of improvement? A vice, habit or part of your character that you know should be changed or eliminated? Perhaps your antagonist is an ongoing situation or season of life that has been particularly difficult? The antagonists of your life will always be in your story — they will come and go. These are the crosses that God gives us to carry. Without them, your story is dull and less meaningful, less instructive and less rewarding. They are the valleys in our journey that make the mountain tops so beautiful. Whatever the antagonists of your life story are, you have the ability to control how your character responds. You are the protagonist — the hero of your story.

As the main character of my own life story, each day I confront all that life throws my way (even the small and seemingly inconsequential.) These are difficulties I cause myself, and things that happen to me. I want the character in my own story to overcome it all, to emerge from the other side better for the experience. When turmoil and challenges strike, I have choices in my responses. The size of my problems determine the significance of my rewards. The bigger the challenge to solve, the more value I can bring to my life or work. As the protagonists and hero of my story, I want the outcome to be one I can be proud of, and one that makes me a better person. Nineteen years ago Cheri and I lost our fourth daughter Hannah to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). It was the most formidable period of our lives, and one in which we could allow to destroy us and our marriage, or lift us up to appreciate life more, and be better parents. Rather than blame God, our response was to accept God’s will, and know that it was part of his perfect plan and the design for our lives, even though we didn’t understand it at all. It wasn’t a feel-good triumphant ending, but it helped us to grow immensely in our marriage together and see the beauty in life even more. Looking back on that chapter of our lives, we can even call it a blessing. As author Jeff Goins says, “Life is lived forward and understood backwards.”

“Life is lived forward and understood backwards.” –Jeff Goins

Another way to look at the story of our lives is to see it with respect to the past, present and future. Our pasts don’t define us, good or bad. The past should only be looked back on to learn and appreciate. The present is to be cherished and enjoyed, for it is the only thing that is guaranteed. We create what will be our past, in our day-to-day living. It is in todays decisions and relationships that life is made. It is in the enjoyment of beautiful moments, savoring and celebration of wonderful experiences, and presence in our relationships that we create a worthy past. The future is a blank page, and each day we can write the rest of the story. It is because each new day is a fresh start, that I can be optimistic about the weeks, months and years ahead. I can look forward to the contributions I can make to this world.

The decisions of your day tell the story of the day. The accumulation of your days tell the story of the week. The accumulation of the weeks tells the story of the year. Your years tell the story of your life. And while every day, week or month may not turn out as you wish, keep trying, because your efforts will be revealed over the years. There is a Chinese saying that goes, “The years say what the days cannot tell.”

“The years say what the days cannot tell.” — Chinese saying

How can you be the hero in your own story? Are you…

Proud of your choices in the moment of decision?
Demonstrating courage in the small instances?
Doing things to make your dreams a reality?
Living in the present, but mindful of the future?

Unlike a movie line, our life stories are complex and cannot be neatly categorized into a tidy genre. Our lives are a compilation of comedy, drama, tragedy, adventure, romance, mystery and more. We are the author of our own lives. It doesn’t matter what our characters did in the past, or where they are today, Even if we are not happy with how our storyline is going, the exciting news is that we can change it. We indeed can fashion how the rest of the story goes.

As we now move into the New Year, it is now appropriate to reflect on your character’s life as a story for rest of your novel. What will you write into 2017’s chapter?

Be your best!

Ten Keys to Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage (PART 2)

Keys to Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage (PART 2)

(Note: This is the second part of a two part post on keys to a fantastic marriage.)

In my last post, I explained how fortunate I am to be in a fantastic marriage. My marriage and relationship with Cheri is the most wonderful aspect of my life. While not always perfect, we know our relationship flourishes when we work at it.

I described the first five keys that we’ve found to be essential:

You have to actively work at it. Good marriages don’t just happen.
Like storms, tough times don’t last forever. You must outlast them.
Listen to truly understand. Share with mindfulness to build trust.
Small gestures are visible signs of affection. They can be romantic.
It can only come from within. Don’t burden your partner for bringing you happiness.

I will continue now, and explain the remaining five keys that help to make our marriage fantastic…

6. Take 100 percent responsibility for your share of the relationship. You are accountable for what you bring to your relationship, and what you deny your relationship. When the chips are down, Cheri and I usually conclude neither of us are fully in the clear or fully to blame. However, even if we believe we are only 10% of the problem, we take 100% responsibility for that 10%.

7. Give more than you take. Always seek what is best for your spouse. Giving without expectation of return is a conscious choice of offering our love. It is what God would have us do. It often means sacrifice, but more usually comes back as reward. Also, be ready to forgive, and ask for forgiveness. Both without question are necessary in a marriage. As Mark Twain said, “A marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage

“A marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” — Mark Twain

8. Romance. When romance is expressed, so is passion! Your passion can be expressed through thoughtful acts of kindness (see #4). It can be especially meaningful when done creatively, or it has taken special effort. Romance seems to be so easy early in a relationship. As time goes by and it’s easier to take a relationship for granted, and keeping romance alive becomes more important. Cheri and I have found that the more we make romance intentional, the “younger” and fresher our love feels.

9. Among the most important qualities in our marriage is humor and fun! Humor is where some of our deepest connections reside. Through the sharing of our humor, we really connect and bond to each other. In my jokes, Cheri gets me like no other person. It’s a place where it’s okay to be both vulnerable and inappropriate. It’s where tension is relieved, beliefs are conveyed and wit is revealed. With common laughter comes bonding. Cheri and I laugh together and at ourselves often. I’m remembering the time on our honeymoon, realizing that we didn’t have anywhere near the money we needed for the week. On our first night, we laughed ourselves to tears for learning we’d have to live on a packed box of Cheese Nips and two rows of Ritz crackers! Henry Ward Beecher once remarked, “A marriage without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs – jolted by every pebble in the road.” Aside from the clinically proven benefits of laughter and humor, it just plain helps not to take ourselves too seriously. It makes a marriage better.

10. Marriage is a place for security and intimacy. For Cheri and me, our marriage is a place of trust. Like best friends, we know the other will always be there. It is a place where our deepest thoughts, desires, pains and joys can be shared with confidence. It’s a place where we know we are loved without condition. It’s a place where we hold each other accountable, inspire each other and give the benefit of the doubt. Sexual fidelity is never in question. Promises are kept. We speak about each other with the greatest of love and admiration.

Of course this list of principles is not exhaustive. Each marriage story is different and each couple connect with other ingredients that make theirs special. As well, each of these take on a unique significance as distinctive as the relationship itself.

My hope is that these posts have not just stated the obvious. Hopefully they have caused you to pause and evaluate what makes your relationship special, and what may be missing. In this pause, I hope your discovery will reveal the keys that are necessary to unlock a fantastic marriage.

Be Your Best!

Ten Keys to Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage

Ten Keys to Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage (Part One)

(Note: Due to its length, I am releasing this article in two posts. What follows is the first half.)

After having been married to my bride for over 30 years, I can honestly say the day I said “I do” was the most pivotal day in my life. Like many of you, it was the best decision and commitment I ever made in my life. I am a better man, have led a more enriched life, and have done more to do good in the world than I ever could have done on my own. I never realized as a young man how wonderful it can be to fully share your life with another.

My love story with Cheri is beautiful. Over time we have learned some important principles that we believe to be necessary to our happiness and success. When we follow these rules, we are one — we have the most secure, trusting and fulfilling relationship possible. Of course not every moment of every day is this way.

There have been valley periods and the everyday trials of life have sometimes gotten in the way. The disruptive feelings of discord, anger, and resentment that can occur between us are always painful. This seems to happen when we get off course and are not intentional about practicing our rules. As C.S. Lewis said, this “Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” When Cheri and I go through the infrequent times like these, it’s like God calling out for us to get back to the principles we know that work.

I thought you might like to know some of those principles I have come to understand as essentials of our marriage.

Unlocking a Fantastic marriage

1. Practice intentionality. You reap what you sow — what you put into your marriage, is returned to you, in even greater reward. As the farmer must follow the law of the harvest, you must plant goodness in your marriage. Be wary when you find your marriage on “cruise control.” If you are not intentionally putting into it daily, you will not reap its rewards. Purposefully striving for a fantastic marriage demands the right choices at moments of decision.

2. Some days, weeks or seasons require perseverance. Perseverance is patience on steroids. Storms don’t last. During those tough times, know they are temporary. Patience is a virtue worthy of having a large supply. Persevere and extend grace when your spouse is having an off day. Trust that it won’t last indefinitely.

3. Communication is to a relationship, like water, sunshine and good soil are to a plant. It’s life giving and nourishing. Your listening is more important that your speaking. Listen to understand without judgment. Reply without diminishment, shame, or leaving the other feeling small. Build trust with your words. Be mindful that words can be very powerful. What may be a small wave to you, may be a tsunami to your spouse. Sharing with honesty– the wonderful AND the unpleasant—builds intimacy and trust.

4. Small acts of kindness do matter. Look for opportunities and gestures to show your love. Open the car door. Leave that unexpected note on the fridge. Send a goofy text. Leave a piece of chocolate on the pillow. Don’t underestimate the old tried and true gestures of flowers, candy, cards and poems. Do those things that may be especially unusual for you. Prepare a meal with candles, do the laundry, wash your spouse’s car, or offer a surprise gift card. Remember and celebrate special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. Show they are meaningful by taking time to make them special. Affirm your spouse’s wonderful qualities. Don’t underestimate how something so small can pack a meaningful punch. It can express your passion and romance (see #8.)

5. Your spouse isn’t responsible for your happiness. Only you, can make you happy. Placing the burden on your partner for your happiness is an unfair demand. One person’s happiness is totally out of the control of another. Rather, see it as your responsibility to cultivate it from within — then share it.

Check back for my next post, when I will share with you the last 5 keys… and remember,

Be Your Best!
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