Category Archives: Lessons

Ten Practices to Inner Peace

Some years ago, I took the time to identify my personal core values.  I review them annually, but each year inner peace makes the list.  I thought it might be helpful to describe what having inner peace means to me, and how I go about preserving it. 

Inner peace for me is a psychological and spiritual freedom that allows me to feel contentment in a world always demanding my attention, and where adversity is ever present.  Feeling peace is important, because if something undermines my peace, it undermines my happiness.  To be content with myself and the world around me is to be truly free.  My peace is dependent entirely on my inner attitudes. 

Because I cannot control anything outside of myself, I try to make my peace not dependent on anything outside of myself.  My inner peace and freedom do not rely on my ability to silence the buzzing and whirling of the external world around me.  It is not dependent on getting all the things of my desire but appreciating all that I already have. By reducing the disturbances in my inner life, I can increase my inner freedom and peace of mind.  What practices are key to having an undisturbed day?

“The world can be at war while one is at peace, just as the world can be at peace while one is at war.”

— Epictetus

Keys I try to keep in mind…

  1. Control.  Awareness about what I ultimately do and do not control.  I can only be responsible and feel burden for those things I control.  Most things in my life I do not control. But I do control my thoughts, emotions, judgments, perspectives, opinions, fears and intentions.  If it is a worldly external that bothers me, I remember I do not own it and therefore not mine to be burdened.
  2. Providence.  The Creator is in control.  The universe is complex and amazingly sophisticated.  I only see evidence that the nature of the world is not random and mere chance.  Consequently, it is governed by providence and therefore there is meaning in everything. Everything is ordained by my creator and has purpose.  I try to accept and even embrace the “bad” with which I face.
  3. Gatekeeping.  I am my own gatekeeper for the things that enter my mind.  What goes into my mind turns to thoughts, then words, then actions, then habits, then character and finally my destiny.  Too much news and social media are destructive to my peace.  I need to also be careful about what and whom I spend my time with and allow into my life.
  4. Fear.  I work at detaching from my fears.  Fear is a controllable product of my opinion about it.  The possible unpleasant situations looming ahead are a product of my own catastrophizing and usually never end up bad as I think, if at all.  My self-inflicted gloom and doom only hold me back and makes me miserable.  Why worry about something before it is necessary?
  5. Gratitude.  Gratefulness helps me to detach from my desires.   When I appreciate what I already have, I am less concerned with what I still desire.  While I appreciate what I have, I am careful to not become too attached should I lose it. The less I desire, the more I find peace.
  6. Adversity.  I know that it has a purpose.  Every seemingly bad situation helps me to learn and grow.  Often, I can look back at the turmoil in my life and see a good that has emerged from it.  To suffer is not to spend time in vain.  The value I gain from adversity is always more than the emotional price I paid.
  7. Stillness.  Quiet time to still the mind and provide opportunity for reflection is a long habit of mine.  For me, this is general reading, prayer, devotions, and introspection.  By taking time to separate myself from the noisy world, I gain clarity and focus on the longer view of life.  It allows me to empty my mind of the daily chatter and consider the deeper significant things that lie below. 
  8. Margin.  I try not to push the limits.  My budget, my schedule, my gas tank, my sleep…. all thank me.  I know that having breathing room gives me peace of mind.  I am not stretched thin and drained of energy by the routine pressures I can burden myself with.  This is a practice I struggle with.
  9. Relationships.  I appreciate harmony in all my relationships and try to keep them good.  When one is out of whack, it causes me turmoil, and I try to mend it.  I moderate my expectations, so I am hard to disappoint or hurt.  When trouble shows it head, I ask myself “would I rather be right, or keep the peace?”  Especially true in marriage.
  10. Beauty in the moment.  There is beauty all around us all the time.  Only in the last couple of years have I come to appreciate watching the squirrels gathering food, kids laughing playing at the park, or the rain cleansing the air.  But if I look with intention, I will always find something. These momentary enjoyments brings me inner peace.

For me, having inner peace is a core ingredient to my happiness.  As ancient philosopher Epictetus said, “The world can be at war while one is at peace, just as the world can be at peace while one is at war.”  In a world that seems to always be at “war,” I prefer to be at peace.

Lean into Your Troubles

What person that ever lived was spared adversity?  Whatever you call them – troubles, challenges, obstacles, pains, turmoil, suffering, problems, anguish, difficulties, impediments, trials, barriers, hurdles– they are integral parts of our lives.  We cannot choose them; we can only deal with them.  God never spares anyone.  In fact, scripture says to expect them. Since obstacles are unavoidable in life, they have a purpose. They are necessary for growth.  Lean into your troubles to understand them.  By doing so, you can also minimize their burden.

But first know that you have a problem.  Mark Twain is often quoted for saying, “I am an old man, and have known a great many troubles, most of which never happened.”  One longstanding piece of wisdom I’ve shared with all my children is to not be premature in thinking we have or will have a problem. Do not worry about something until it is time to do so. Then take action.

In so many life instances, our perceived problems are not real, they are self-inflicted fears we have allowed to run away from our control.  Fear, an impending thought that some evil is looming over us, can be a powerful burden.  Fear is also always about the future, not the present. Therefore, mindfulness of the present is important.  In my experience, most things we fear in the future never materialize, or they turn out not to be as bad as we think.   Again, Mark Twain summarizes it nicely, “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”  Do not lean into your troubles until it is necessary to do so.

“Do not worry about something until it is time to do so. Then take action.”

Know that you need not lean into your troubles as a helpless victim. You have endured every trial in your life so far.  Often it is a matter of perspective.  Multitudes of others have endured your same trial, so your anguish is not unique.  Why might you see a situation as particularly painful, but others do not?   This is not to minimize your burdens, but to put them into perspective.  There is a way through every trial.  As higher-level beings, we can reason and make sense of our problems.  We are endowed with unique qualities and virtues to see our way through. 

Maybe you have been through times when some of these virtues, disguised as strength were required:

self-restraint                    gratitude                             humility
patience                            acceptance                         obedience
humor                               cooperation                       prudence
trust                                   discernment                      tolerance
courage                             empathy                             endurance

By natural design, God does not allow us to face problems without the capabilities to work through them.  But what about those times when we cannot summon these strengths, or our resources just do not seem enough?  
It is true that life will present times that as Richard Rohr says, “we cannot fix, control, explain, change or even understand.”  He says these situations are “necessary suffering” that are programmed into our life’s journey.  It is at these times we are brought to our knees, and God “comes to you disguised as your life.”  We should not deny our pain, but know something good will come of it, if we allow it.  We grow in our valley experiences, not in our mountaintop ones.  This is transformation.  And if we do not transform our pains into something useful, we transmit it to others. This is what it means to lean into our troubles.

It can be encouraging to realize that our hardships are almost always limited in some way. There are limits to the size, the intensity and duration. They do not last forever, and if we can muster perseverance, even the most severe suffering can be endured. As our problems come and go through life, their fleeting nature provide the experiences we need to endure and provide wisdom for the next one.  But what if we do have long term or permanent trials?  We are provided the gift to adapt and recalibrate our experience.  We can see our situation through a new lens, even accustom ourselves.

Seneca said that “No one could withstand adversity if its persistence we felt with all the same force as the first blow.”  This mean means that when we are unprepared, when our problems spring up on us, our problems seem for more severe.  The blow is softened the more we can expect and be prepared for them.  If we must live with them, we get used to them.  The more we live with them, we adjust to the presence in our lives.   Things become more bearable when we are accustomed to them.

In summary, do not be burdened by the fear of potential problems that do not exist.  When they arise, you are not a victim, you have God-given tools to make reason and deal with them as part of your nature.  You will grow through adversity if you lean into your troubles.  You have been successful in getting through every problem in your life so far, and there is not anyone ever who has not had your problem.  Your problem is not unique.  Your problems are limited in some way, be it size, intensity or duration.  Anticipate, but do not dwell on possible problems.  Your preparation will lessen their severity. Know that your troubles serve a purpose.

Life Margin. Why It’s Important and How to Create It.

The Problem of Denying Yourself Life Margin.

I remember a time in my life when I pushed everything to the limits.  My calendar, my appointments, my finances, my priorities, my commitments, my interests, my health, my time, my energy. Not being someone who really liked to do much half-way, I stretched myself too thin.  Being all-in on life seemed the right thing, but over time, I realized it zapped me of the things I wanted most. I needed to create life margin.

The treadmill I was on drained my peace, my energy, my focus, my effectiveness with people and efficiency with things.  By pruning things back and making thoughtful choices (some of them difficult), I realized I was creating more life margin and living more abundantly.

What is life margin? As described by Richard Swenson, M.D., (Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives) it is:

  • The space between our loads and our limits
  • The amount beyond which is needed
  • Something held in reserve for contingency or unanticipated situations
  • A gap between rest and exhaustion

I like to think of it as breathing room.  The space that gives us peace and allows us to resist and bounce back from the perturbations of life.

Publishers use margin around a page to provide visual space.  It is not enjoyable to read books and documents without white space.  The open void between paragraphs is important to provide relief from the intensity of sentence after sentence.  In business, profit margin is crucial.  It is the difference between demise and prosperity.  So it is with life.

We live in a culture where more is better, but our nature tells us otherwise – remember the last time you felt overloaded? You scheduled back-to-back meetings. You overdrew your checking account.  You left late for the doctor’s appointment.  You drank too much, then had to drive.  Burning the candle at both ends? Eventually, the candle burns out.  This type of stress is called distress.  We often drift into this mode of a distressful life, because we live in agreement with the expectations of the world around us.    We think this is what energizes us, but it eventually catches up to us.  Always.

My Solution.

I’ve learned there are two choices we can make to overcome this tendency.  Make intentional choices and include downtime.

Make intentional choices.  Making intentional choices requires that we must first be aware of what areas of our lives lack margin, and be willing to commit to the actions necessary.  Is your choice in the moment for present you, or future you?  Are you doing what you want now, or what you want most?  In my life it meant pruning back my commitments and trying to do less.  I was a volunteer fire fighter for many years, but it was a huge personal commitment for me in both time and energy.  While this part of my life was good and satisfying and important to me, I knew it was denying me the ability to pursue long held aspirations in other aspects of my life.  A move to a new home eventually forced the issue, but I learned that sometimes we have to prune away even good things for the benefit of pursuing the better.  It has freed me to enjoy things on my terms, and not the expectations of others — like much more family time, learning guitar, and the study of philosophy.

 There was also a time when we lived pay-to-paycheck.  Our needs were fulfilled, but our desires were not.  While salary increases were undoubtedly helpful, what really made the difference was the choice to live within our means.  We intentionally chose to spend within the limits of our budget, ensuring that there was margin between our lifestyle and our income.  The peace that came with that decision, was worth more than anything we could have purchased.  The sense of not being in control of our finances caused more distress than the disappointment of not satisfying our desires.  Jim Rohn had a saying: “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”  I realize now that those intentional choices weren’t so painful as they seemed after all.   And, I was investing in my peace-of-mind and future financial security.

Include downtime.  This is one of the most underrated practices of all.  Downtime provides opportunity for reflection, self-examination, and growth.  Stillness is the key (stolen from the title of author Ryan Holiday’s book).  By taking time to separate ourselves from the noisy world, we gain clarity and focus on the longer view of life.  It allows us to empty our mind of the unimportant on the surface and consider the deeper significant things that lie below.  There we find healing, meaning, and a way forward.  Carving out the time for thinking requires an intentional choice, but it is healthy for our mind, body and spirit. 

For me, this is general reading, prayer, devotions, and introspection.   My quiet time provides physical relaxation, mental stimulation and spiritual contentment.  Sometimes it is sitting on the deck with a cigar and a notepad, or listening to a podcast while on a powerwalk.  I may map out my thoughts and ideas on paper, or just practice clearing my mind.  This time alone gives me the life margin I need to solve problems, manage my emotions, map my future, consider my actions and behavior, and evaluate my habits.  It facilitates my growth.  This downtime gives me the bandwidth to master myself, providing much needed steadiness and clarity. How wonderful it is to have set aside (holy) time to ask myself if I am on the right path to my definition of success: living with integrity, making progress toward my goals and living in peace.

Maybe for you it is a walk in the woods, sitting next to a fire, an early morning bike ride, or meditating.    The important thing is to clear your head of non-essentials.  Rein in the tendency to want to always do.  Give your mind space.  Invest time in yourself and find satisfaction in the moment.   

Summary.

Do you have areas that could use more life margin?  Today’s world continues to ask more from us.  We respond by giving more and more to the world, but are we giving time to ourselves?  Giving yourself the gift of margin frees you to be more present with others and yourself.  It requires an intentional effort, but it can unlock the peace our nature desires. You can provide more distance between yourself and the self-inflicted turmoil of over commitment and pushing life to the edge.  Our lives are novels that require white space to be enjoyable. It is within our grasp to quiet the noise of life that (we don’t even realize) robs us of our ability to enjoy it. As Ryan Holiday explains, “The world is like muddy water. To see through it, we have to let things settle.”    

Life Planning: How a Life Plan Can Help You Avoid the Drift

Life Planning:
How A Life Plan Can Help You Avoid the Drift

What does a life Plan do?
About a year ago, Daniel Harkavy and Michael Hyatt published a book titled Living Forward. I read it and recommend it highly. In Living Forward, they describe the importance of having a written life plan. At first glance, this idea may seem a bit over-the-top and lofty, but after going through the process of creating one last year, it has helped me in several ways.

Above all, it helps me to be intentional about how I live my life. I want to look back on my life 5, 10 or 20 years from now and see that I have lived a worthy life of significance. Simply, my life plan clarifies on paper what is most important to me, charts a course for action in getting to where I want to be in life, and serves as a regular reminder when I review it. It keeps me from drifting through each day, week and month without purpose. My life plan reminds me to live a life of intention, designing it for my purposes and desires. During my run-of-the-mill day, I can bounce my decisions, time and tasks against the intentions in my life plan. This provides clarity in purpose and has been a tie-breaker when assigning priorities. I hope that it keeps me from any regrets.

What is Drift?
I emphasize being proactive and acting on life, rather than the alternative which is to drift through life. Drift is an insidious, unintentional and silent villain which robs us of becoming all that we can. The drift never takes us to a place that we intend. It is a slow pull that we often don’t even realize. When lives crumble, they don’t happen in a day. They fall apart over time because of inattention to the important. That can be the effect of drift.

Think of it like a boat Captain adrift with no sail, map or rudder. She is not only unaware of her position, but also subject to the weather and the currents, with no way of making corrections. A life plan provides the figurative sail, map and rudder. While still subject to the weather, winds and currents, it allows the boat Captain to stay in control and make it to her intended destination.

Avoiding the drift is important because according to the authors, its consequences cause:

* Confusion — No clear direction or perspective. Our lives are not guided with purpose and meaning. We just go from one thing to the next, seemingly   unconnected.

* Expense — Causes us to waste time, money, and health among others.

* Lost Opportunities — We lose the ability see opportunities and to go down paths that would enrich our lives. We don’t see them because we are distracted in the here and now.

* Pain — Lack of planning and action in the areas most important to us, can lead us to painful troubles. This can occur in our marriage, health, finances, profession, family and other areas of our lives.

* Regret — No one wants to look back and wish things had been different. “If only I……….(you fill in the blank.) It becomes even more frustrating when we realize it is a result of our lack of planning and attention to how we want to live our lives.

What’s in a Life Plan?
So what is in a life plan? Harkavy and Hyatt suggest specific contents be included. I’ve used their model and customized it to reflect what I think is important. Your Life Plan should inspire you and sit well with you. When you review your Life Plan, it should capture your dreams, goals, beliefs, and values. Here’s an outline of what I’ve included in mine:

  • A mission statement – a short statement about what I believe my life is about
  • My envisioned eulogy – admittedly macabre, but necessary to envision the end game and provide context
  • My most important areas of life – physical, spiritual, mental, financial, relational, professional, etc.
  • What constitutes for me a successful day, and life? How do I measure if I’m on track?
  • An action plan for each important area of my life – it includes a purpose, envisioned future, my WHY, the benefits, where I am now, specific commitments to get me there, and obstacles and pitfalls to be mindful

If you know what you want in life and have a plan to get there, then you are leaps and bounds closer to “succcess.” Harkavy and Hyatt remind us that most people spend more time and attention planning vacations, weddings and car purchases than they do their own lives. I found the introspective process of building a Life Plan is as valuable as the end product itself. It need not be a long document, and does not need to be perfect, because it will change. It is not hard to do, but requires that you set aside time to do it. It will never be complete, but will always be under revision and adjustment as life progresses.

“My definition of success has two parts. The first is when my intentions, words and actions align–integrity. The second is when they are progressively moving me toward my goals and how I want to live my life.”

My definition of success has two parts. The first is when my intentions, words and actions align–integrity. The second is when they are progressively moving me toward my goals and how I want to live my life. My life plan plan helps me to live my definition of a successful life. How do you define success? How do you know if you are on track? If you want to dive deeper into life planning and how to create one, check out https://livingforwardbook.com.

Be Your Best!


Moving: Lessons from this Ordinary Life Experience

About two months ago, Cheri and I moved into a beautiful new home.

It was a tumultuous period, so naturally I figured there must be lessons from this ordinary life experience.

For some time, Cheri has wanted to move out of our old house. I was quite comfortable in that house, and really had no desire to move. I was settled in my comfortable and familiar life and routines. Our town suited me fine. My life was there. Cheri had the house decorated like something out of a magazine. I had put so much in the way of blood, sweat and tears in improvements that I would be leaving a part of myself there. A move would be expensive, and our new mortgage payment would skyrocket.

However, both our parents are getting way up there in age, and we weren’t getting to see them as much as we wanted due to the distance. As well, the prospect of moving to a place that would better suit us as we grow “more mature” seemed like a good idea. We were furthermore concerned about how rough our town was becoming. But the real reason I had no interest in moving was that we had so much “good” stuff accumulated over the years, the thought of trying to downsize, organize, pack and move it all was daunting. We also needed to prepare and sell our house, with the associated burden of timing the sale for a door-to-door move, or finding an interim place to live, until our new home was built.

Regardless, we took the plunge, and we are very happy that we did. It seems like a dream home for us. It all happened quickly between September and Christmas.

We sold, pitched and donated stuff to downsize. Then came sorting, organization and packing. A contract was written on the new house. We prepped the old house and got it sold. There was time for little else. We then lived out of boxes and suitcases in the basement of my in-laws for about two months, while all of our possessions went into storage.

Eventually our new home was ready and we moved-in two days before Christmas. It was crazy. But…the amenities of our new community are amazing. The area is great and located within reach of anything we could want. Our home is absolutely gorgeous and we are so much closer to family. We are now in a wonderful home that will elegantly serve our needs well into our later years. But it required a lot of work and even more courage.

I learned these 8 lessons from this ordinary life experience.

  1. Appreciate the small things in life and don’t take them for granted.  I recall missing the familiar–my own bed, coffee mug and sitting chair.
  2. Take one thing at a time and it will come together. There was a lot to be done in a short period. Bit-by-bit it all materialized, especially after we got started.
  3. Establish a plan. Plans close the gap between where you are, and your desired state. You’ll save time in the long run and reduce the stress.
  4. Change is constant–accept it. And even better, embrace it. We were going to move, it was just a matter of when. It was easier after I made the decision to “change gears.” Being “all in” made the rest of it easier.
  5. You are capable of more than you think. Whatever faces you may be daunting, but it is usually not as bad as you think.
  6. Dream big. Big dreams force solutions to big challenges. Your results reflect the size of your challenges.
  7. Be bold, do it, take the plunge. In decision and action. If you want something that is good for you, it’s easier after you put it in motion.
  8. You don’t drift to where you want to be in life. You reap what you sow. We invested in our desires, tolerated the turmoil, and took the necessary action.

Thousands of people make moves every day. Why was it a big deal for us? Because it pushed us out of our comfort zone. It is said that the best teacher in life is not experience, but evaluated experience. These are my lessons from this ordinary life experience. From what ordinary life experience can you pull lessons?

Be your best!