Author Archives: Doug

Ten Keys to Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage (PART 2)

Keys to Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage (PART 2)

(Note: This is the second part of a two part post on keys to a fantastic marriage.)

In my last post, I explained how fortunate I am to be in a fantastic marriage. My marriage and relationship with Cheri is the most wonderful aspect of my life. While not always perfect, we know our relationship flourishes when we work at it.

I described the first five keys that we’ve found to be essential:

You have to actively work at it. Good marriages don’t just happen.
Like storms, tough times don’t last forever. You must outlast them.
Listen to truly understand. Share with mindfulness to build trust.
Small gestures are visible signs of affection. They can be romantic.
It can only come from within. Don’t burden your partner for bringing you happiness.

I will continue now, and explain the remaining five keys that help to make our marriage fantastic…

6. Take 100 percent responsibility for your share of the relationship. You are accountable for what you bring to your relationship, and what you deny your relationship. When the chips are down, Cheri and I usually conclude neither of us are fully in the clear or fully to blame. However, even if we believe we are only 10% of the problem, we take 100% responsibility for that 10%.

7. Give more than you take. Always seek what is best for your spouse. Giving without expectation of return is a conscious choice of offering our love. It is what God would have us do. It often means sacrifice, but more usually comes back as reward. Also, be ready to forgive, and ask for forgiveness. Both without question are necessary in a marriage. As Mark Twain said, “A marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage

“A marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” — Mark Twain

8. Romance. When romance is expressed, so is passion! Your passion can be expressed through thoughtful acts of kindness (see #4). It can be especially meaningful when done creatively, or it has taken special effort. Romance seems to be so easy early in a relationship. As time goes by and it’s easier to take a relationship for granted, and keeping romance alive becomes more important. Cheri and I have found that the more we make romance intentional, the “younger” and fresher our love feels.

9. Among the most important qualities in our marriage is humor and fun! Humor is where some of our deepest connections reside. Through the sharing of our humor, we really connect and bond to each other. In my jokes, Cheri gets me like no other person. It’s a place where it’s okay to be both vulnerable and inappropriate. It’s where tension is relieved, beliefs are conveyed and wit is revealed. With common laughter comes bonding. Cheri and I laugh together and at ourselves often. I’m remembering the time on our honeymoon, realizing that we didn’t have anywhere near the money we needed for the week. On our first night, we laughed ourselves to tears for learning we’d have to live on a packed box of Cheese Nips and two rows of Ritz crackers! Henry Ward Beecher once remarked, “A marriage without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs – jolted by every pebble in the road.” Aside from the clinically proven benefits of laughter and humor, it just plain helps not to take ourselves too seriously. It makes a marriage better.

10. Marriage is a place for security and intimacy. For Cheri and me, our marriage is a place of trust. Like best friends, we know the other will always be there. It is a place where our deepest thoughts, desires, pains and joys can be shared with confidence. It’s a place where we know we are loved without condition. It’s a place where we hold each other accountable, inspire each other and give the benefit of the doubt. Sexual fidelity is never in question. Promises are kept. We speak about each other with the greatest of love and admiration.

Of course this list of principles is not exhaustive. Each marriage story is different and each couple connect with other ingredients that make theirs special. As well, each of these take on a unique significance as distinctive as the relationship itself.

My hope is that these posts have not just stated the obvious. Hopefully they have caused you to pause and evaluate what makes your relationship special, and what may be missing. In this pause, I hope your discovery will reveal the keys that are necessary to unlock a fantastic marriage.

Be Your Best!

Ten Keys to Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage

Ten Keys to Unlocking a Fantastic Marriage (Part One)

(Note: Due to its length, I am releasing this article in two posts. What follows is the first half.)

After having been married to my bride for over 30 years, I can honestly say the day I said “I do” was the most pivotal day in my life. Like many of you, it was the best decision and commitment I ever made in my life. I am a better man, have led a more enriched life, and have done more to do good in the world than I ever could have done on my own. I never realized as a young man how wonderful it can be to fully share your life with another.

My love story with Cheri is beautiful. Over time we have learned some important principles that we believe to be necessary to our happiness and success. When we follow these rules, we are one — we have the most secure, trusting and fulfilling relationship possible. Of course not every moment of every day is this way.

There have been valley periods and the everyday trials of life have sometimes gotten in the way. The disruptive feelings of discord, anger, and resentment that can occur between us are always painful. This seems to happen when we get off course and are not intentional about practicing our rules. As C.S. Lewis said, this “Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” When Cheri and I go through the infrequent times like these, it’s like God calling out for us to get back to the principles we know that work.

I thought you might like to know some of those principles I have come to understand as essentials of our marriage.

Unlocking a Fantastic marriage

1. Practice intentionality. You reap what you sow — what you put into your marriage, is returned to you, in even greater reward. As the farmer must follow the law of the harvest, you must plant goodness in your marriage. Be wary when you find your marriage on “cruise control.” If you are not intentionally putting into it daily, you will not reap its rewards. Purposefully striving for a fantastic marriage demands the right choices at moments of decision.

2. Some days, weeks or seasons require perseverance. Perseverance is patience on steroids. Storms don’t last. During those tough times, know they are temporary. Patience is a virtue worthy of having a large supply. Persevere and extend grace when your spouse is having an off day. Trust that it won’t last indefinitely.

3. Communication is to a relationship, like water, sunshine and good soil are to a plant. It’s life giving and nourishing. Your listening is more important that your speaking. Listen to understand without judgment. Reply without diminishment, shame, or leaving the other feeling small. Build trust with your words. Be mindful that words can be very powerful. What may be a small wave to you, may be a tsunami to your spouse. Sharing with honesty– the wonderful AND the unpleasant—builds intimacy and trust.

4. Small acts of kindness do matter. Look for opportunities and gestures to show your love. Open the car door. Leave that unexpected note on the fridge. Send a goofy text. Leave a piece of chocolate on the pillow. Don’t underestimate the old tried and true gestures of flowers, candy, cards and poems. Do those things that may be especially unusual for you. Prepare a meal with candles, do the laundry, wash your spouse’s car, or offer a surprise gift card. Remember and celebrate special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. Show they are meaningful by taking time to make them special. Affirm your spouse’s wonderful qualities. Don’t underestimate how something so small can pack a meaningful punch. It can express your passion and romance (see #8.)

5. Your spouse isn’t responsible for your happiness. Only you, can make you happy. Placing the burden on your partner for your happiness is an unfair demand. One person’s happiness is totally out of the control of another. Rather, see it as your responsibility to cultivate it from within — then share it.

Check back for my next post, when I will share with you the last 5 keys… and remember,

Be Your Best!
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Of Course Character Matters

The Issue…

Whenever election time rolls around, the age-old debate about the importance that character plays in the presidency comes front and center. Does character matter in the president, or do we just need someone who can get the job of governing done? My answer is that our form of government requires good character, and the responsibilities of the person occupying the Oval Office are so vital, that they demand it.

What our founders thought…

When our nation’s founders embarked upon the great “American Experiment” they understood its delicate nature. How could citizens rule themselves, and provide for the collective interest of the people, despite an acknowledged pre-disposition of self-interest inherent in the human condition? Part of the answer was to build a form of government with separate branches that provide balance of powers. The other part requires a belief that despite the flaws in humanity, man’s virtues are equally powerful—and they would be essential.

The founder’s wrote in the Federalist Papers, that the government under consideration would not work, unless its leaders and citizens were a virtuous people. They understood that the difference between a Republic (representative self-government) and a Monarchy (authoritarian rule) was that the leaders of a Republic were servants of the people. Those leaders were to be bound by a noble conscience, rather than their self-interest.

What is character anyway?

What exactly is character? Character is the sum quality of who a person really is—the combined total of their moral and civic virtues—good or bad. One’s character is the result of life choices and the conduct of living. Charles Stanley, an Atlanta pastor, says that character development is ultimately what God is trying to do in our lives. God is all about character development, not personality change.

In my view, good character is the most significant ingredient to effective leadership. It can be seen on the outside in one’s public image, but it is developed on the inside. But as we know, what you see is not always what you get. It is forged through intentional pursuit and fortified through adversity and perseverance. Everyone has heard the saying “Character reveals itself when no one is looking.” I would also say that character reveals itself when everyone is looking.

High character is a reflection of the civic and moral virtues that appeal to our highest spirit. It is so important, that the need for great character in our society is reflected in the honor codes and oaths adopted by the military, universities and other great institutions.

The role of character in the presidency…

Civic and moral virtues are the qualities of being that inspire confidence and trust, vital components of every relationship- including that between leaders and followers. It’s necessary for the President to have the confidence and trust of the people to be effective. Don’t you think this is especially true for the United States where the President is not only the Chief Executive, Head of State and Commander-in-Chief, but also the symbolic leader and conscience of the nation?

A democracy‘s role is to represent the interest of the majority, but not violate the rights of the minority. When the President fashions his or her vision through public policy, this is where character matters. It’s easy to stand on the side of the majority because it is easier to drift with the currents of popular opinion—even when the rights of the minority are infringed. It takes character to stand and make an argument for the rights of the minority. The President must be careful not to interpret the merits of public policy through the lens of his or her self-interest. Public policy must be viewed with the obligation to represent the majority and protect the rights of the minority, even if contrary to one’s own interest. And this requires character.

As long as a President is demonstrated to be a person of high character, moral authority is at his or her side, and with it comes the fortune of respect, trust and confidence of the people. Our country demands and deserves nothing less.

Be Your Best!

“It is our character that supports the promise of our future – far more than particular government programs or policies.”
— William Bennett, Former Secretary of Education

Don’t Prioritize your Schedule, Schedule your Priorities

Managing Priorities is the Key

As a productivity junkie for the longest time, I was always trying to figure out how to get more done in less time. I figured that if I could only get up earlier, stay up later, fit this in here, or multi-task there, I could get more done. I thought that by doing more, I could come closer to achieving my goals and dreams. As it turns out, I was chasing the wrong thing. It’s not about managing your time, but managing your priorities.

Stephen Covey (1932-2012) explains this concept well in his book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” with the Life Quadrants diagram. As the diagram indicates, the things we spend time on have an urgency and importance.

Urgency vs. Importance

Those things that are more urgent beg to be done now. The more urgent they are, the less control we have. Those things that are more important contribute most to our relationships, goals and well being. The more important an activity is, the more focus and perspective it brings to our life.

The more time we can spend doing the least urgent, but most important things, (Quadrant II) the more we can live according to our values, mission, priorities and dreams. Admittedly, quadrant II is the hardest area of focus (but the most important), because it doesn’t scream for our attention and demands intentionality. We don’t typically “drift” into Quadrant II.

Quadrant I — You need to deal with stuff here.

The quadrant of “Deadlines and Fire Drills.” In Quadrant I are the urgent and important things of life. Bad things happen if they aren’t dealt with. These may include:

Paying bills
Changing the baby’s diaper
Changing a flat tire
Homework assignments
Keeping appointments

Quadrant II — Set your sights here.

The quadrant of “Growth and Quality of Life.” In Quadrant II are the least urgent, but most important things of life. These are the easiest activities to avoid, because there’s not a looming deadline. It’s potentially the most lucrative area to spend your time because this where we move life’s needle. Examples include:

Exercise, fitness, and health
Goal setting and planning
Date nights
Reading and Writing
Hobbies and other passions you want to master
Creating following a budget
Volunteer service
Spending family time
Prayer and meditation
A business venture
Professional development

Quadrant III — Avoid.

The quadrant of “Deception and interruption.” Quadrant III is that place where unimportant things rob your time. They tend to be urgent, but unimportant. Typically, this is where others demand things of you that don’t contribute to your goals or relationships. It’s easy to stay in this quadrant because it feels like we’re doing important things. They can include activities like:

Answering emails and phone calls
Interruptions from colleagues
Meetings
Texts

Quadrant IV — Stay Away at All Costs.

The quadrant of “Excess and Waste.” These activities are time wasters, and we instinctually know it. They suck out the ability for you to live productively and meaningfully. They are neither urgent, or important. Don’t feel too bad, however; if some of these things contribute to a meaningful area of life (such as genuine rest and relaxation, intellectual stimulation, contribution to goals, quality time with others, etc.) then they can be safely categorized as Quadrant II. The key factor may be how often and long you find yourself doing them.

Social media
TV binge watching
Video games
Web surfing
Shopping

I encourage you to soak-in the above diagram and evaluate your activities against your priorities. For even more clarity on this, read Stephen Covey’s “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Ask yourself, what activities dominate most of your time? You can be assured that Quadrant II activities will get you closer to being the person you want to become. It’s really about priority management, so much more than time management.

Be Your Best!

How to Make This a Better World

When I was much younger and before I went out on my own, the world seemed boundless, as did my opportunities. I wanted to do great things in big ways — to make a better world. I didn’t know what those achievements would be, but I knew my purpose was to impact the world in a wonderful and big way. I would do God’s will for my life and it wouldn’t be anything puny. Start a charitable foundation. Establish a homeless shelter. Lead a movement. Something along those lines. I never was in a position to make any of those big things possible. I eventually realized that my expectations were beyond the limits of God’s will for me.

This became evident when I was stationed as a commander at a military assignment in the northwest. I led an organization where I really wanted to do a killer job. I went into the job like most young officers — with an ambitious agenda and great aspirations on how I could make the organization the best of the best, with a tremendous reputation. Instead, I found myself constantly reacting to the turmoil of each day, putting out “fires”, and just keeping my head above water. What I did accomplish however, was to cultivate many relationships. I mentored those my junior and impact the lives of those I lead by my daily example, our one-on-one discussions, and practicing my values. And I know I did have an impact because they told me so.

Through this experience, I grew to understand that most of the good in this world is accomplished when each person is able to make a unique and individual positive impact on another. A kind and selfless act that usually costs us nothing and make’s someone else’s day better, makes this a better world. It also makes us feel better and its contagious. It makes us feel better because it is giving at its purest, without expecting anything in return. It’s contagious, because it causes the recipient to appreciate it, then live up to the gesture. You can be a ray of sunshine in someone’s otherwise dreary day. Consider how a sincere gesture can touch someone’s day:

•The casual compliment to your work colleague on always having such a great attitude
•A word of encouragement to the store clerk just rudely treated by the previous customer
•Letting the guy change lanes in front of you
•Making the young mother on the plane feel at ease when her baby is crying
•Offering to stand on public transportation, so someone else can sit
•and what about the whole Starbucks Pay-It-Forward phenomena?

Do you remember a couple of years ago when during the Christmas holidays, Starbucks customers were paying the tab for the person behind them, to the tune of over a 1000 customer streak? That sensation was repeated across the nation not only because it was unusual, but because it was a feel-good and inspiring story that captured the spirit of the season. People like the feeling that selflessness brings.

And what better icon of selflessness than Mother Teresa? Mother Teresa made a better world not because she ran a facility for the homeless, sick and indigent, but because of her caring touch and love she offered each individual.

“Do not wait for leaders. Do it alone, person to person. If you can’t feed a hundred people, then feed just one.”
— Mother Teresa

My challenge for you is to find an opportunity in each day to make someone else’s day just a bit better. I will too. It will make a better world, and I’m certain it will make our days even better too.

Be Your Best!