Author Archives: Doug

Self Awareness of Our Perspective

Different Views

The Blue Marble is a photograph taken by Apollo 17 on its way to the Moon in 1972. While not the first image of the Earth from space, it is widely accepted as the first image that changed mankind’s perspective about its relationship to the Earth and universe. As it sits alone in the vast expanse of darkness, it shifts our attention from our immediate surroundings, to understanding a much wider interpretation of the world. In an instant, it makes personal how we share this beautiful, puny, vulnerable, isolated, and finite planet. Awareness of this perspective, was emblematic to helping usher in an environmental movement.

So, how is it that some can see chaotic protests in the streets as righteous demonstrations for dignity and equality, while others see them as a lawless defiance of authority, reason, and respect for property? Why do some see guns as weapons of death and destruction, and others see them as a birthright and a tool for the enjoyment and protection of life? How is it that two people can go through the same event and come out with two different experiences? Why does one person see the cup as half empty, and another as half full? It has to do with our perspective.

Perspective is the way we view the world and our relationship to it. Therefore, we do not see the world as it really is, we see the world as we are. This makes our view of the world unique through the lens of the many attributes of our own lives. All the things of our life experience — our upbringing, families, education, faith, relationships, ego, culture, position, health, wealth, travels, geography, and more – create the totality of our viewpoint. This viewpoint is just that — a single point from which we take a view.

I once had a boss who told me that “we stand where we sit.” Meaning our viewpoints reflect our station and conditions. Even our mood contributes to our perspective. And this is the filtered lens from which we interact and live our lives. This lens creates the perspective from which we operate.

Awareness of our perspectives is difficult because they run in the background, largely subconsciously. The perspective our paradigms create is hindered by our many biases and assumptions. Consequently, we see a world according to our own preferences.

One Story

The late Steven Covey tells his story of himself on a subway when he experienced a shift of paradigm:

I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly — some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.
The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.
It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?
The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”
Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.

Another Story

Covey’s story above illustrates the power found in assumptions and biases. In another example, the perils of stubbornness and an openness to other possibilities is wonderfully illustrated:

A battleship had been at sea on its routine maneuvers under heavy weather for days. The captain, who was worried about the deteriorating weather conditions, stayed on the bridge to keep an eye on all activities.

One night, the lookout on the bridge suddenly shouted, “Captain! A light, bearing on the starboard bow.”

“Is it stationary or moving astern?” the captain asked.

The lookout replied that it was stationary. This meant the battleship was on a dangerous collision course with the other ship. The captain immediately ordered his signalman to signal to the ship: “We are on a collision course. I advise you to change course 20 degrees east.”

Back came a response from the other ship: “You change course 20 degrees west.”

Agitated by the arrogance of the response, the captain asked his signalman to shoot out another message: “I am a captain, you change course 20 degrees east.”

Back came the second response: “I am a second class seaman, you had still better change course 20 degrees west.”

The captain was furious this time! He shouted to the signalman to send back a final message: “I am a battleship. Change course 20 degrees east right now!

Back came the flashing response: “I am a lighthouse.”

The captain duly changed course.

The common thread in both stories, is that the person making judgment does not have all the information. The situations are viewed with fixed assumptions. Our perspective may be one that is flat-out false. And when we have more complete information, our perspective becomes more accurate — closer to the truth.

Final Thoughts

Self-awareness of our perspective is the key to be open to other points of view and appreciating that we may not have all the information. Self-awareness is a uniquely human endowment which allows us to examine our relationship with the world around us. Empathy can only result from self-awareness. Keeping our ego in check requires self-awareness. Refraining from kneejerk reactions requires self-awareness. Self-awareness is required to acknowledge we may not have all the facts of a situation. It helps us understand that there may be another perspective. Self awareness of perspective helps us to understand why some view:

…protests as defiance, and others as righteous.
…guns as a source of scourge and other as a tool of their birthright.
…the cup as half empty and others as half full.

I find it helpful to remember that the way a person views a situation is because it is true for them, based on their current perspective. One’s ability to consider a broader perspective about things is a wonderful thing and uniquely human attribute. It helps in seeing past those things that keep us thinking in a rigid way. It is like taking off blinders, providing more opportunity for truth. How can we do this? Through self-awareness of perspective…

Ten Practices to Inner Peace

Some years ago, I took the time to identify my personal core values. I review them annually, but each year inner peace makes the list. I thought it might be helpful to describe what having inner peace means to me, and how I go about preserving it.

Inner peace for me is a psychological and spiritual freedom that allows me to feel contentment in a world always demanding my attention, and where adversity is ever present. Feeling peace is important, because if something undermines my peace, it undermines my happiness. To be content with myself and the world around me is to be truly free. My peace is dependent entirely on my inner attitudes.

Because I cannot control anything outside of myself, I try to make my peace not dependent on anything outside of myself. My inner peace and freedom do not rely on my ability to silence the buzzing and whirling of the external world around me. It is not dependent on getting all the things of my desire but appreciating all that I already have. By reducing the disturbances in my inner life, I can increase my inner freedom and peace of mind. What practices are key to having an undisturbed day?

“The world can be at war while one is at peace, just as the world can be at peace while one is at war.”
— Epictetus

Keys I try to keep in mind…

Control. Awareness about what I ultimately do and do not control. I can only be responsible and feel burden for those things I control. Most things in my life I do not control. But I do control my thoughts, emotions, judgments, perspectives, opinions, fears and intentions. If it is a worldly external that bothers me, I remember I do not own it and therefore not mine to be burdened.
Providence. The Creator is in control. The universe is complex and amazingly sophisticated. I only see evidence that the nature of the world is not random and mere chance. Consequently, it is governed by providence and therefore there is meaning in everything. Everything is ordained by my creator and has purpose. I try to accept and even embrace the “bad” with which I face.
Gatekeeping. I am my own gatekeeper for the things that enter my mind. What goes into my mind turns to thoughts, then words, then actions, then habits, then character and finally my destiny. Too much news and social media are destructive to my peace. I need to also be careful about what and whom I spend my time with and allow into my life.
Fear. I work at detaching from my fears. Fear is a controllable product of my opinion about it. The possible unpleasant situations looming ahead are a product of my own catastrophizing and usually never end up bad as I think, if at all. My self-inflicted gloom and doom only hold me back and makes me miserable. Why worry about something before it is necessary?
Gratitude. Gratefulness helps me to detach from my desires. When I appreciate what I already have, I am less concerned with what I still desire. While I appreciate what I have, I am careful to not become too attached should I lose it. The less I desire, the more I find peace.
Adversity. I know that it has a purpose. Every seemingly bad situation helps me to learn and grow. Often, I can look back at the turmoil in my life and see a good that has emerged from it. To suffer is not to spend time in vain. The value I gain from adversity is always more than the emotional price I paid.
Stillness. Quiet time to still the mind and provide opportunity for reflection is a long habit of mine. For me, this is general reading, prayer, devotions, and introspection. By taking time to separate myself from the noisy world, I gain clarity and focus on the longer view of life. It allows me to empty my mind of the daily chatter and consider the deeper significant things that lie below.
Margin. I try not to push the limits. My budget, my schedule, my gas tank, my sleep…. all thank me. I know that having breathing room gives me peace of mind. I am not stretched thin and drained of energy by the routine pressures I can burden myself with. This is a practice I struggle with.
Relationships. I appreciate harmony in all my relationships and try to keep them good. When one is out of whack, it causes me turmoil, and I try to mend it. I moderate my expectations, so I am hard to disappoint or hurt. When trouble shows it head, I ask myself “would I rather be right, or keep the peace?” Especially true in marriage.
Beauty in the moment. There is beauty all around us all the time. Only in the last couple of years have I come to appreciate watching the squirrels gathering food, kids laughing playing at the park, or the rain cleansing the air. But if I look with intention, I will always find something. These momentary enjoyments brings me inner peace.

For me, having inner peace is a core ingredient to my happiness. As ancient philosopher Epictetus said, “The world can be at war while one is at peace, just as the world can be at peace while one is at war.” In a world that seems to always be at “war,” I prefer to be at peace.

Lean into Your Troubles

What person that ever lived was spared adversity? Whatever you call them – troubles, challenges, obstacles, pains, turmoil, suffering, problems, anguish, difficulties, impediments, trials, barriers, hurdles– they are integral parts of our lives. We cannot choose them; we can only deal with them. God never spares anyone. In fact, scripture says to expect them. Since obstacles are unavoidable in life, they have a purpose. They are necessary for growth. Lean into your troubles to understand them. By doing so, you can also minimize their burden.

But first know that you have a problem. Mark Twain is often quoted for saying, “I am an old man, and have known a great many troubles, most of which never happened.” One longstanding piece of wisdom I’ve shared with all my children is to not be premature in thinking we have or will have a problem. Do not worry about something until it is time to do so. Then take action.

In so many life instances, our perceived problems are not real, they are self-inflicted fears we have allowed to run away from our control. Fear, an impending thought that some evil is looming over us, can be a powerful burden. Fear is also always about the future, not the present. Therefore, mindfulness of the present is important. In my experience, most things we fear in the future never materialize, or they turn out not to be as bad as we think. Again, Mark Twain summarizes it nicely, “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” Do not lean into your troubles until it is necessary to do so.

“Do not worry about something until it is time to do so. Then take action.”

Know that you need not lean into your troubles as a helpless victim. You have endured every trial in your life so far. Often it is a matter of perspective. Multitudes of others have endured your same trial, so your anguish is not unique. Why might you see a situation as particularly painful, but others do not? This is not to minimize your burdens, but to put them into perspective. There is a way through every trial. As higher-level beings, we can reason and make sense of our problems. We are endowed with unique qualities and virtues to see our way through.

Maybe you have been through times when some of these virtues, disguised as strength were required:

self-restraint                    gratitude                             humility
patience                            acceptance                         obedience
humor                               cooperation                       prudence
trust                                   discernment                      tolerance
courage                             empathy                             endurance

By natural design, God does not allow us to face problems without the capabilities to work through them. But what about those times when we cannot summon these strengths, or our resources just do not seem enough?
It is true that life will present times that as Richard Rohr says, “we cannot fix, control, explain, change or even understand.” He says these situations are “necessary suffering” that are programmed into our life’s journey. It is at these times we are brought to our knees, and God “comes to you disguised as your life.” We should not deny our pain, but know something good will come of it, if we allow it. We grow in our valley experiences, not in our mountaintop ones. This is transformation. And if we do not transform our pains into something useful, we transmit it to others. This is what it means to lean into our troubles.

It can be encouraging to realize that our hardships are almost always limited in some way. There are limits to the size, the intensity and duration. They do not last forever, and if we can muster perseverance, even the most severe suffering can be endured. As our problems come and go through life, their fleeting nature provide the experiences we need to endure and provide wisdom for the next one. But what if we do have long term or permanent trials? We are provided the gift to adapt and recalibrate our experience. We can see our situation through a new lens, even accustom ourselves.

Seneca said that “No one could withstand adversity if its persistence we felt with all the same force as the first blow.” This mean means that when we are unprepared, when our problems spring up on us, our problems seem for more severe. The blow is softened the more we can expect and be prepared for them. If we must live with them, we get used to them. The more we live with them, we adjust to the presence in our lives. Things become more bearable when we are accustomed to them.

In summary, do not be burdened by the fear of potential problems that do not exist. When they arise, you are not a victim, you have God-given tools to make reason and deal with them as part of your nature. You will grow through adversity if you lean into your troubles. You have been successful in getting through every problem in your life so far, and there is not anyone ever who has not had your problem. Your problem is not unique. Your problems are limited in some way, be it size, intensity or duration. Anticipate, but do not dwell on possible problems. Your preparation will lessen their severity. Know that your troubles serve a purpose.

Life Margin. Why It’s Important and How to Create It.

The Problem of Denying Yourself Life Margin.

I remember a time in my life when I pushed everything to the limits. My calendar, my appointments, my finances, my priorities, my commitments, my interests, my health, my time, my energy. Not being someone who really liked to do much half-way, I stretched myself too thin. Being all-in on life seemed the right thing, but over time, I realized it zapped me of the things I wanted most. I needed to create life margin.

The treadmill I was on drained my peace, my energy, my focus, my effectiveness with people and efficiency with things. By pruning things back and making thoughtful choices (some of them difficult), I realized I was creating more life margin and living more abundantly.

What is life margin? As described by Richard Swenson, M.D., (Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives) it is:

The space between our loads and our limits
The amount beyond which is needed
Something held in reserve for contingency or unanticipated situations
A gap between rest and exhaustion

I like to think of it as breathing room. The space that gives us peace and allows us to resist and bounce back from the perturbations of life.

Publishers use margin around a page to provide visual space. It is not enjoyable to read books and documents without white space. The open void between paragraphs is important to provide relief from the intensity of sentence after sentence. In business, profit margin is crucial. It is the difference between demise and prosperity. So it is with life.

We live in a culture where more is better, but our nature tells us otherwise – remember the last time you felt overloaded? You scheduled back-to-back meetings. You overdrew your checking account. You left late for the doctor’s appointment. You drank too much, then had to drive. Burning the candle at both ends? Eventually, the candle burns out. This type of stress is called distress. We often drift into this mode of a distressful life, because we live in agreement with the expectations of the world around us. We think this is what energizes us, but it eventually catches up to us. Always.

My Solution.

I’ve learned there are two choices we can make to overcome this tendency. Make intentional choices and include downtime.

Make intentional choices. Making intentional choices requires that we must first be aware of what areas of our lives lack margin, and be willing to commit to the actions necessary. Is your choice in the moment for present you, or future you? Are you doing what you want now, or what you want most? In my life it meant pruning back my commitments and trying to do less. I was a volunteer fire fighter for many years, but it was a huge personal commitment for me in both time and energy. While this part of my life was good and satisfying and important to me, I knew it was denying me the ability to pursue long held aspirations in other aspects of my life. A move to a new home eventually forced the issue, but I learned that sometimes we have to prune away even good things for the benefit of pursuing the better. It has freed me to enjoy things on my terms, and not the expectations of others — like much more family time, learning guitar, and the study of philosophy.

There was also a time when we lived pay-to-paycheck. Our needs were fulfilled, but our desires were not. While salary increases were undoubtedly helpful, what really made the difference was the choice to live within our means. We intentionally chose to spend within the limits of our budget, ensuring that there was margin between our lifestyle and our income. The peace that came with that decision, was worth more than anything we could have purchased. The sense of not being in control of our finances caused more distress than the disappointment of not satisfying our desires. Jim Rohn had a saying: “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” I realize now that those intentional choices weren’t so painful as they seemed after all. And, I was investing in my peace-of-mind and future financial security.

Include downtime. This is one of the most underrated practices of all. Downtime provides opportunity for reflection, self-examination, and growth. Stillness is the key (stolen from the title of author Ryan Holiday’s book). By taking time to separate ourselves from the noisy world, we gain clarity and focus on the longer view of life. It allows us to empty our mind of the unimportant on the surface and consider the deeper significant things that lie below. There we find healing, meaning, and a way forward. Carving out the time for thinking requires an intentional choice, but it is healthy for our mind, body and spirit.

For me, this is general reading, prayer, devotions, and introspection. My quiet time provides physical relaxation, mental stimulation and spiritual contentment. Sometimes it is sitting on the deck with a cigar and a notepad, or listening to a podcast while on a powerwalk. I may map out my thoughts and ideas on paper, or just practice clearing my mind. This time alone gives me the life margin I need to solve problems, manage my emotions, map my future, consider my actions and behavior, and evaluate my habits. It facilitates my growth. This downtime gives me the bandwidth to master myself, providing much needed steadiness and clarity. How wonderful it is to have set aside (holy) time to ask myself if I am on the right path to my definition of success: living with integrity, making progress toward my goals and living in peace.

Maybe for you it is a walk in the woods, sitting next to a fire, an early morning bike ride, or meditating. The important thing is to clear your head of non-essentials. Rein in the tendency to want to always do. Give your mind space. Invest time in yourself and find satisfaction in the moment.

Summary.

Do you have areas that could use more life margin? Today’s world continues to ask more from us. We respond by giving more and more to the world, but are we giving time to ourselves? Giving yourself the gift of margin frees you to be more present with others and yourself. It requires an intentional effort, but it can unlock the peace our nature desires. You can provide more distance between yourself and the self-inflicted turmoil of over commitment and pushing life to the edge. Our lives are novels that require white space to be enjoyable. It is within our grasp to quiet the noise of life that (we don’t even realize) robs us of our ability to enjoy it. As Ryan Holiday explains, “The world is like muddy water. To see through it, we have to let things settle.”

Finding Happiness

I have been watching my grandchildren lately and find wonder in how they seem to live genuinely happy lives. It has me wondering about happiness in general. What is it really and what is necessary to have it in my life? So for a few weeks now I’ve fine-tuned my happiness radar with respect to what I see and experience in this world.

So the one thing that I am certain is that money and things aren’t the source of happiness. I’ve had money problems and I’ve not had money problems. I’ve had equal doses of happiness and sadness under both conditions. Some of the poorest people in the world are joyful, and some of the richest people in the world are miserable.

We are bombarded each day and each hour by being told what we need to make our lives wonderful. When we buy that new house, splurge for that next gadget, make that next Amazon purchase, add another streaming service, buy those new shoes, or drive off the lot in that new car, we probably do feel pleasure. They are all externals, but they are fleeting. How long does it last? Pleasure is always temporary.

Eventually the new, interesting and fun becomes old, boring, stale, outdated and sometimes a vice. And it doesn’t usually take too long. Even with money, most people desire more. Don’t you? Sure, money and the things it can buy bring pleasure, but it eventually doesn’t satisfy us and we need more. How much more? Just more. Pleasure wears off. There’s always the next thing. We move on to the next want and desire. We ultimately can’t control these externals and they take us prisoner and rob us of our freedom, because our outside desires are never fully met.

You’ve heard it said that no one on their death bed regrets not having more. Death bed musings are always about people and relationships. That is because people and relationships are the essence of life and they bring fulfillment. Our station in life is not determined by the things we have, the power we can yield, or our celebrity, but the impact we have on others. Having purpose and impact on others and the world brings fulfillment.

Happiness comes from goodness, fulfillment and purpose. It comes from within. Fulfillment is about living for something greater than yourself. It is found in relationships, character, love, service, championing causes, and virtue. Fulfillment brings peace. And with peace comes happiness. Anything that undermines peace, undermines happiness. Low character and undeveloped virtue, separate us from others, and keep relationships from flourishing. This causes unrest and denies us happiness. Happiness is an outcome — a result. It always comes later. It comes after sowing. It is never immediate. It follows the law of the harvest. It takes time, intention and effort. Therefore, as a favorite mentor of mine Jim Rohn says, “Happiness is not an accident. Nor is it something you wish for. Happiness is something you design.”

True happiness originates inside of us, and not from the external world. What comes from within us is the only thing we truly control. If you allow your happiness to be dependent on external things — the approval of others, possessions, prestige, power, and even your health — you’ve released the control of your happiness to something outside of yourself. You’ve allowed the external world to make you a victim, and you are denied the ability to be your own master.

Now back to the grandchildren. They are happy because they haven’t yet been polluted by the concerns and weight of the outside world. They are at peace with living in the moment. As each year passes, they will have to work harder to create their own happiness.

The Credibility and Consequences of Freedom of Speech

Now that the NFL “taking a knee” hubbub is mostly out of the limelight and there are the usual other non-issues that continue to consume the media, I will share my thoughts as they have percolated over the ensuing months.

There are several things here that can be dissected, but I will take on the issue of free speech and the principle of its wise exercise.

In governments such as ours, where power is supposed to be seated with the citizens, freedom of speech empowers the people over the government. The freedom of speech (or any freedom, for that matter) is threatening to those who hold power, and most threatening to those who have it by a thread. This requires that it be exercised with responsibility, otherwise its limitation may be imposed. It can also be threatened by radical vocal opposition. But everyone I know, agrees it is appropriate that speech not be protected in every circumstance. Free speech should be challenged however, when unwisely used and certainly limited when recklessly exercised. No reasonable person in our nation will try to throttle the exercise of free speech when wisely exercised.

While each American may have opinions about issues of significance, it is those individuals with the most influence that are heard. That influence may come from celebrity, professional accomplishment, humanitarian causes, scholarship, critical thinking, or any other manners of success and achievement. The credibility of one’s message, is also greatly influenced by the content of their character. I applaud those who use the success of their lives as a springboard for influence over causes of significance.

Whether or not it is wisely exercised, has more to do with the platform, the manner and the timing of what is said.

“Free speech doesn’t solve political conflicts. It creates them. Solving them requires more advanced tools like trust, humility, dialogue, listening.”
― Steve Kolowich

“It’s freedom of speech, not freedom from consequences and/or ridicule.”
― A.E. Samaan

Colin Kaepernick was exercising his right to reinforce a message that is a noble and fundamental ideal of our American heritage — the equal treatment of all individuals. His message was triggered by the unfair and despicable treatment of some African-Americans by some law enforcement. Racism is inherent to the flawed human condition. It will always be a part of society because we are flawed and imperfect as humans, but we should always strive for its elimination. That is what defines an ideal – something always to be pursued, but never attainable.

Unfortunately, Kaepernick made a serious miscalculation. By kneeling for the worthy cause of equality for African-Americans, he sent a larger and seemingly nastier message that was understood as disdain for America. A firestorm of vehement protest ensued because it was seen as an attack on the ideals of America, those who support and believe in those ideals, and those who have fought and died for those ideals. It was perceived as a slap in the face to those who love and support this country, who nonetheless see it flawed, but want to make it all that it can be. His message and intent was good, but he used the wrong platform (an NFL football game), in the wrong manner (kneeling) at the wrong time (during the National Anthem). It was not illegal, it was perceived as inappropriate, and it degraded the credibility of his message. In the same way, President Trump’s stature and office is degraded by the numerous inappropriate ways he communicates via platform, manner and timing.

To add insult to injury, a successive wave of NFL players also took a knee during subsequent National Anthem protests of President Donald Trump after he recklessly called for their firings when exercising their use of that tactic in demonstrating their right to free speech. Unfortunately, Colin Kaepernick’s message became politicized and lost its original significance.

“We ain’t what we oughta be. We ain’t what we want to be. We ain’t what we gonna be. But, thank God, we ain’t what we was.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Again, I applaud those that use their influence to further the causes they believe. But it must applied with good measure and using an appropriate platform, in the appropriate manner and timing. In the same way, I personally can’t stand watching Hollywood elites using award shows to espouse their social and political opinions ad nauseum. These are occasions to celebrate their art and craft. I don’t believe Colin Kaepernick’s use of the NFL game and National Anthem was his platform to use. I don’t believe awards shows are the platform for celebrities to use either. America is inappropriately held as intellectual hostages when influencers use a platform that they do not own — they do it at our expense.

If an influencer wants to write a book, give a speech, submit op-Ed’s, produce videos, pen magazine articles, post blogs, donate money to causes and give interviews that get out their message, I would encourage and do support them to do so. Those are some of the platforms to use. We should use our influence to further our life’s work.

The right to free speech is sacred, but it must be exercised with care and responsibility. It should only be legally restricted when it will do clear and present danger to others such as yelling “fire” in a crowded theater. When the American flag is trampled and burned, I become sick, but it should not be illegal to do so.

We are free to choose, but not free from the consequences of our choices.

An unwise choice of platform, manner and timing will dull the message and give it less credibility.

“Don’t exercise your freedom of speech until you have exercised your freedom of thought.”
― Tim Fargo

“Freedom of speech means setting words free. Imprisoned and freed words are consequential. All words have consequences.”
― John R. Dallas Jr.

Life Planning: How a Life Plan Can Help You Avoid the Drift

Life Planning:
How A Life Plan Can Help You Avoid the Drift

What does a life Plan do?
About a year ago, Daniel Harkavy and Michael Hyatt published a book titled Living Forward. I read it and recommend it highly. In Living Forward, they describe the importance of having a written life plan. At first glance, this idea may seem a bit over-the-top and lofty, but after going through the process of creating one last year, it has helped me in several ways.

Above all, it helps me to be intentional about how I live my life. I want to look back on my life 5, 10 or 20 years from now and see that I have lived a worthy life of significance. Simply, my life plan clarifies on paper what is most important to me, charts a course for action in getting to where I want to be in life, and serves as a regular reminder when I review it. It keeps me from drifting through each day, week and month without purpose. My life plan reminds me to live a life of intention, designing it for my purposes and desires. During my run-of-the-mill day, I can bounce my decisions, time and tasks against the intentions in my life plan. This provides clarity in purpose and has been a tie-breaker when assigning priorities. I hope that it keeps me from any regrets.

What is Drift?
I emphasize being proactive and acting on life, rather than the alternative which is to drift through life. Drift is an insidious, unintentional and silent villain which robs us of becoming all that we can. The drift never takes us to a place that we intend. It is a slow pull that we often don’t even realize. When lives crumble, they don’t happen in a day. They fall apart over time because of inattention to the important. That can be the effect of drift.

Think of it like a boat Captain adrift with no sail, map or rudder. She is not only unaware of her position, but also subject to the weather and the currents, with no way of making corrections. A life plan provides the figurative sail, map and rudder. While still subject to the weather, winds and currents, it allows the boat Captain to stay in control and make it to her intended destination.

Avoiding the drift is important because according to the authors, its consequences cause:

* Confusion — No clear direction or perspective. Our lives are not guided with purpose and meaning. We just go from one thing to the next, seemingly unconnected.

* Expense — Causes us to waste time, money, and health among others.

* Lost Opportunities — We lose the ability see opportunities and to go down paths that would enrich our lives. We don’t see them because we are distracted in the here and now.

* Pain — Lack of planning and action in the areas most important to us, can lead us to painful troubles. This can occur in our marriage, health, finances, profession, family and other areas of our lives.

* Regret — No one wants to look back and wish things had been different. “If only I……….(you fill in the blank.) It becomes even more frustrating when we realize it is a result of our lack of planning and attention to how we want to live our lives.

What’s in a Life Plan?
So what is in a life plan? Harkavy and Hyatt suggest specific contents be included. I’ve used their model and customized it to reflect what I think is important. Your Life Plan should inspire you and sit well with you. When you review your Life Plan, it should capture your dreams, goals, beliefs, and values. Here’s an outline of what I’ve included in mine:

A mission statement – a short statement about what I believe my life is about
My envisioned eulogy – admittedly macabre, but necessary to envision the end game and provide context
My most important areas of life – physical, spiritual, mental, financial, relational, professional, etc.
What constitutes for me a successful day, and life? How do I measure if I’m on track?
An action plan for each important area of my life – it includes a purpose, envisioned future, my WHY, the benefits, where I am now, specific commitments to get me there, and obstacles and pitfalls to be mindful

If you know what you want in life and have a plan to get there, then you are leaps and bounds closer to “succcess.” Harkavy and Hyatt remind us that most people spend more time and attention planning vacations, weddings and car purchases than they do their own lives. I found the introspective process of building a Life Plan is as valuable as the end product itself. It need not be a long document, and does not need to be perfect, because it will change. It is not hard to do, but requires that you set aside time to do it. It will never be complete, but will always be under revision and adjustment as life progresses.

“My definition of success has two parts. The first is when my intentions, words and actions align–integrity. The second is when they are progressively moving me toward my goals and how I want to live my life.”

My definition of success has two parts. The first is when my intentions, words and actions align–integrity. The second is when they are progressively moving me toward my goals and how I want to live my life. My life plan plan helps me to live my definition of a successful life. How do you define success? How do you know if you are on track? If you want to dive deeper into life planning and how to create one, check out https://livingforwardbook.com.

Be Your Best!

Moving: Lessons from this Ordinary Life Experience

About two months ago, Cheri and I moved into a beautiful new home.

It was a tumultuous period, so naturally I figured there must be lessons from this ordinary life experience.

For some time, Cheri has wanted to move out of our old house. I was quite comfortable in that house, and really had no desire to move. I was settled in my comfortable and familiar life and routines. Our town suited me fine. My life was there. Cheri had the house decorated like something out of a magazine. I had put so much in the way of blood, sweat and tears in improvements that I would be leaving a part of myself there. A move would be expensive, and our new mortgage payment would skyrocket.

However, both our parents are getting way up there in age, and we weren’t getting to see them as much as we wanted due to the distance. As well, the prospect of moving to a place that would better suit us as we grow “more mature” seemed like a good idea. We were furthermore concerned about how rough our town was becoming. But the real reason I had no interest in moving was that we had so much “good” stuff accumulated over the years, the thought of trying to downsize, organize, pack and move it all was daunting. We also needed to prepare and sell our house, with the associated burden of timing the sale for a door-to-door move, or finding an interim place to live, until our new home was built.

Regardless, we took the plunge, and we are very happy that we did. It seems like a dream home for us. It all happened quickly between September and Christmas.

We sold, pitched and donated stuff to downsize. Then came sorting, organization and packing. A contract was written on the new house. We prepped the old house and got it sold. There was time for little else. We then lived out of boxes and suitcases in the basement of my in-laws for about two months, while all of our possessions went into storage.

Eventually our new home was ready and we moved-in two days before Christmas. It was crazy. But…the amenities of our new community are amazing. The area is great and located within reach of anything we could want. Our home is absolutely gorgeous and we are so much closer to family. We are now in a wonderful home that will elegantly serve our needs well into our later years. But it required a lot of work and even more courage.

I learned these 8 lessons from this ordinary life experience.

Appreciate the small things in life and don’t take them for granted. I recall missing the familiar–my own bed, coffee mug and sitting chair.
Take one thing at a time and it will come together. There was a lot to be done in a short period. Bit-by-bit it all materialized, especially after we got started.
Establish a plan. Plans close the gap between where you are, and your desired state. You’ll save time in the long run and reduce the stress.
Change is constant–accept it. And even better, embrace it. We were going to move, it was just a matter of when. It was easier after I made the decision to “change gears.” Being “all in” made the rest of it easier.
You are capable of more than you think. Whatever faces you may be daunting, but it is usually not as bad as you think.
Dream big. Big dreams force solutions to big challenges. Your results reflect the size of your challenges.
Be bold, do it, take the plunge. In decision and action. If you want something that is good for you, it’s easier after you put it in motion.
You don’t drift to where you want to be in life. You reap what you sow. We invested in our desires, tolerated the turmoil, and took the necessary action.

Thousands of people make moves every day. Why was it a big deal for us? Because it pushed us out of our comfort zone. It is said that the best teacher in life is not experience, but evaluated experience. These are my lessons from this ordinary life experience. From what ordinary life experience can you pull lessons?

Be your best!

Life as a Story

life as a story

I don’t read obituaries often, but when I do, I find it interesting to see a person’s life as a story, reduced down into a few paragraphs. It got me thinking about my life as a story, a long novel or movie, of which I am the author. As each day goes by, another page is turned or another scene is shot. As each year or season of life passes, another chapter closes and another begins. As each decision is made, as each relationship goes, so does the story of my life. And I am its creator.

I want my story at the end of my life to be like a great movie you always remember. In these stories, there are always trials, missteps, tragedy and regret – these are the antagonists to be overcome. What are the antagonists in your life? Maybe it’s a volatile relationship in need of improvement? A vice, habit or part of your character that you know should be changed or eliminated? Perhaps your antagonist is an ongoing situation or season of life that has been particularly difficult? The antagonists of your life will always be in your story — they will come and go. These are the crosses that God gives us to carry. Without them, your story is dull and less meaningful, less instructive and less rewarding. They are the valleys in our journey that make the mountain tops so beautiful. Whatever the antagonists of your life story are, you have the ability to control how your character responds. You are the protagonist — the hero of your story.

As the main character of my own life story, each day I confront all that life throws my way (even the small and seemingly inconsequential.) These are difficulties I cause myself, and things that happen to me. I want the character in my own story to overcome it all, to emerge from the other side better for the experience. When turmoil and challenges strike, I have choices in my responses. The size of my problems determine the significance of my rewards. The bigger the challenge to solve, the more value I can bring to my life or work. As the protagonists and hero of my story, I want the outcome to be one I can be proud of, and one that makes me a better person. Nineteen years ago Cheri and I lost our fourth daughter Hannah to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). It was the most formidable period of our lives, and one in which we could allow to destroy us and our marriage, or lift us up to appreciate life more, and be better parents. Rather than blame God, our response was to accept God’s will, and know that it was part of his perfect plan and the design for our lives, even though we didn’t understand it at all. It wasn’t a feel-good triumphant ending, but it helped us to grow immensely in our marriage together and see the beauty in life even more. Looking back on that chapter of our lives, we can even call it a blessing. As author Jeff Goins says, “Life is lived forward and understood backwards.”

“Life is lived forward and understood backwards.” –Jeff Goins

Another way to look at the story of our lives is to see it with respect to the past, present and future. Our pasts don’t define us, good or bad. The past should only be looked back on to learn and appreciate. The present is to be cherished and enjoyed, for it is the only thing that is guaranteed. We create what will be our past, in our day-to-day living. It is in todays decisions and relationships that life is made. It is in the enjoyment of beautiful moments, savoring and celebration of wonderful experiences, and presence in our relationships that we create a worthy past. The future is a blank page, and each day we can write the rest of the story. It is because each new day is a fresh start, that I can be optimistic about the weeks, months and years ahead. I can look forward to the contributions I can make to this world.

The decisions of your day tell the story of the day. The accumulation of your days tell the story of the week. The accumulation of the weeks tells the story of the year. Your years tell the story of your life. And while every day, week or month may not turn out as you wish, keep trying, because your efforts will be revealed over the years. There is a Chinese saying that goes, “The years say what the days cannot tell.”

“The years say what the days cannot tell.” — Chinese saying

How can you be the hero in your own story? Are you…

Proud of your choices in the moment of decision?
Demonstrating courage in the small instances?
Doing things to make your dreams a reality?
Living in the present, but mindful of the future?

Unlike a movie line, our life stories are complex and cannot be neatly categorized into a tidy genre. Our lives are a compilation of comedy, drama, tragedy, adventure, romance, mystery and more. We are the author of our own lives. It doesn’t matter what our characters did in the past, or where they are today, Even if we are not happy with how our storyline is going, the exciting news is that we can change it. We indeed can fashion how the rest of the story goes.

As we now move into the New Year, it is now appropriate to reflect on your character’s life as a story for rest of your novel. What will you write into 2017’s chapter?

Be your best!

Our TV Watching Habits

I’ve been scrutinizing my TV watching habits lately. It seems I’ve been watching a lot more and I believe I’m worse off for it.

It’s my own fault because I allow it into my life. I think TV can be good when it informs, makes me laugh, enlightens my understanding of the world, provides for an otherwise un-accessible experience or makes me feel good to be alive. And yeah, occasionally vegging out is okay too, until those occasions become too frequent.

But for the most part, unless I’m intentional about what I am watching, it turns out that:

My time can be better spent
It allows negativism and junk into my life
I am subject to manipulation and subconscious influence
Its passive and non-engaging. Not usually good for me physically or mentally.

Time Can Be Better Spent

As someone who tries to cram a lot into each day, it’s important to me that I’m using my most valuable commodity as wisely as possible—my time.

The more time I spend in front of the TV, the more it robs me from doing the things that are important to me. TV watching doesn’t really contribute that much to anything that I want to get out of life. While sitting in front of the TV, I’m usually not improving my life by enriching my mind, working on goals, and building relationships.

That’s not to say all TV programming is bad. In fact, I do make a disciplined effort to watch things I won’t feel guilty about watching. But still, it’s too easy not to fall prey to the latest tantalizing news story (that has no impact on my life), become distracted by latest celebrity drama, or understand the intrigue with the Kardashians. I don’t watch crappy TV on purpose. I just hang on too long or flip the channel to something else that catches me in its web.

According to Nielsen Research, the average American spends 34 hour each week watching television. That statistic makes me feel better about myself (because I watch nowhere near that much), but I could still do better. Time is the great equalizer. No matter who you are, we all have the same amount. I find it compelling that even the greatest people that have walked this Earth have achieved their accomplishments in the same amount of time I have each day.

Negativism and Junk

Our TV watching habits change our view of the world. At the end of an hour of news, you could only conclude that the world is a miserable place to live. Violence, crime, hate, corruption, deceit, injustice, drought, flooding, wildfire, tornados, scandal, hurricanes, terrorism and anything other undesirable aspect of this world is the focus. In the same way our bodies need a healthy diet, our minds need one too. Strategy aside, some of the most popular reality programs are really about tantalizing our most primitive instincts. We are witnessing the dumbing down of America. The mental diet with which prime time drama entertains us is depressing.

How can we not be negatively affected in our emotions and our attitudes? Why do these type events and programs define news and entertainment of the day? Because our human condition causes us to be captivated and entertained by sensationalism – and that brings ratings and money. Producers will tell us it’s what we demand. Our emotional engagement in negative content cascades into our lives causing division, anger, anxiety, fear and sadness. You can be sure that what comes over the TV is NOT intended for your best interest. In the end, it is in the best interest of the broadcast industry.

I also don’t NEED to know all the details about that bad stuff.

Manipulation and Influence

Our TV watching habits change our view of ourselves in the world. The day-to-day messaging programmers want us to believe about social norms, sexuality, race relations, religion, or political position are obvious. It also changes our view of our value, who we are, what we need, what we want, and what is important.

Consider what the market wants you to believe.

You can re-enforce your social and political ideology by watching the [you fill in the blank] network.
This medicine will make your ailment go away.
You need to feel young and free by driving our sedan.
Smart people save 15% on car insurance.
Why not bring a lawsuit? You deserve to get even and will also get rich.
You absolutely must have that counter-top convection oven.
Your aren’t beautiful unless you are thin and have smooth skin.

I know I’m smarter than all that. But regrettably, I too sometimes feel more is better, stuff can make me happy, or I do need whatever they are trying to sell me. Even explicit sex on TV doesn’t seem as shocking as it used to, nor is my expectation that I should have anything that I want right now. Now how did I succumb to those ideas?

It’s Passive

Watching TV doesn’t require anything from me. It spoon feeds me. I don’t need to expend any effort or output. It doesn’t require me mental engagement nor physical exertion. But that’s not good.

TV watching is often habitual and causes many sedentary and unproductive hours. If you’re like me, it usually includes the mindless eating of snacks or treats. Most would agree that our greatest levels of satisfaction are a reflection of the effort we expend. Hours in a worthy project, creativity in a piece of art, dedication to a cause, perseverance through a trial. The more we put into something, the more meaningful is the result and the payoff. When was the last time you felt better about finishing a TV program over a good book?

As professor of journalism studies Bob Franklin wrote in his 1997 book Newszak and News Media: “Entertainment has superseded the provision of information; human interest has supplanted the public interest; measured judgement has succumbed to sensationalism.”

TV Watching habits

“Entertainment has superseded the provision of information; human interest has supplanted the public interest; measured judgement has succumbed to sensationalism.” — Professor Bob Franklin

All-in-all, if I were an alien and my only view of this world were provided through television, it would be very distorted. Granted, I’ve focused on those ways that television drags down our lives. We all know there is good programming too. It’s the stuff that inspires us, makes us optimistic, teaches us and causes us to appreciate being in this world. It’s hearing the stories and experiencing a world where there’s beauty and goodness. Maybe that is what I should have written about.

So what do you think about your TV watching habits? As for me, I want to fill my time, energy and mind with the good stuff. Unless I just want to veg out. Then I’ll just watch Big Brother.